Break Ups, Shaving Legs, Pooping at School and Peri-Menopause

May 7, 2013 By 2 Comments

timesThis has been a long week.  A very long week.

There have been a lot of firsts in my home for my kiddos that have been painfully new endeavors for me as a mother.  Kid 3 decided it was time to shave her legs, which is a massive indicator that she is growing up, much to my dismay.  It’s one thing for my oldest kids to be growing up – but for one of my littler ones, not so much.  And speaking of growing up, Kid 4 – the youngest, actually pooped at school.  This too, is a huge, massive milestone coming from a child that I thought would probably be okay with me wiping her butt until she is 20 due to her aversion to anything gross.

That, and then one of my oldest endured her first break-up, after a first relationship.  And a first heartbreak to boot.  I have to be the first to admit (lots of firsts here) that watching your child hurting when you are powerless to do anything about it, sucks big donkey butt.

But it also reinforced the fact that although I don’t have the perfect family, we are perfectly imperfect.  I learned that even though I have suspected my daughters hated each other all these years, they don’t.  Seeing them bond together to help heal the heartbreak of one of their sisters was a pretty amazing journey.  On Saturday night, sitting around the kitchen table, I wanted to break out into the chorus of “We are FAMILY, I got all my sisters and me,” because it really was an empowering girl-fest which made me feel sorry for anyone who ever tried to ‘mess with’ or ‘hurt’ one of my kids in the years to come.  The backlash unleashed from the sisterhood will be brutal.  While my girls may not always see eye to eye or get along, apparently they come together on the important stuff in life.  (And yes, I will happily take credit for some of that no matter how fleeting the ‘got each other’s back’ phase may last.

Lets put some icing on this ‘time is flying’ cake by me deciding that I have in fact hit perimenopause.  (TMI?)  Not really, because it really doesn’t mean anything except for that I will spend the next several years trying to convince my doctor to go ahead and get rid of my girly parts – which is something I have been doing since my last C-Section anyways.

The funny thing is that just yesterday, (and I promise it feels like just yesterday) I was reeling from being pregnant and changing twin diapers.  The FUTURE is NOW here.

My biggest worry in life was whether I could get all the kids in bed on time.  I was stressing over insignificant (at least they seem that way now) things such as the growth chart from the doctor, the runny nose, whether the inside of the bulb syringe was clean, the color of their poop, whether my children would ever learn to crawl or walk, and whether or not they were getting enough vegetables in their diet.

I was a stressed out hot mess back then – and today, not so much.  As much as I hated thinking about the future back then when the kids would be growing up - its not so bad now that I live in it.

Even though I am dealing with bigger issues than the ones from ‘just yesterday,’ I am handling them better.  Time has moved so fast, that it is no longer 4 against 1 on the home front where the kids outnumber the parents.  Instead, its just one big dysfunctional, perfectly imperfect family that works together as a unit to tackle life one day and week at a time. Together.  As a team.  We have grown to that dreaded awful place in life where we are a team of family members.

Yes, the kids are growing up.  Things are changing rapidly.  And while the changes may be bittersweet, there is also something very comforting, empowering and relaxing that comes with the growth of our children.

Filed Under: Wisdom

Judging Judgy Mc-Judgeypants

May 2, 2013 By 7 Comments

judgment-quotesIf you are reading this, than chances are you have spent some time on the internet.

And you have probably heard the word ‘judgy’ (which isn’t even a REAL word) or ‘judgment’ or some variation thereof thrown around with as much velocity as the ‘f’ word and with as much frequency as the word ‘the’ is used in general text.

Yes, it seems that everyone is becoming or accused of being Judgy Mc-Judgypants with the same disdain that we use for armed robbers.

People accuse us of judging them, which always ends up in some one’s panties in a wad.  We accuse others of judging us, which ends up in our panties in a wad.  People revert to throwing out Bible quotes about judging to defend their dislike of judging, say mean and ironically enough, ‘judgmental’ things back to show their disdain for what they feel is ‘judgment’ in the first place - and most often become hypocritical products of judgment themselves.  Even worse, our entire legal system is based on judgment in the hopes of providing everyone equality.

It’s confusing, yes.  All this negativity on the inter-webs, in life, in families and especially among mom circles over something called ‘judgment.‘

Whenever ‘judgment’ is suspected, the aftermath is immediately troll like and facetious.  Mostly, however – it’s all a little bit ridiculous in my non-judgmental opinion.  Here’s why!

Somewhere along the way, likely through religious quotes such as those listed here in regard to judgment - we have decided that JUDGING, as in the verb, and JUDGMENT as in the noun are evil things only undertaken by egotistical know-it-alls with the specific intent to inflict or do harm to others.  (Funny enough, on the other hand if people AGREE with you – then they will become an army behind you defending you and in turn ripping those that disagreed apart thread by thread).

And the people constantly accusing others of being Judgy McJudgypants and getting all bent out of shape about it are in my OPINION (not to be misconstrued with judgment) people who believe everything in the world revolves around them and their opinion.  Oh my gosh, if they read a blog that they don’t agree with – then it MUST be about them specifically, whether the author knows them or not.

Yep, I’m starting to hear the lyrics to Carly Simon’s hit ”You’re so vain, I bet you think this song is about you, you’re so VAIN!”  (You can thank me later for planting that song in your head for the rest of the day!)

Seriously, make a comment about something as benign as your stance on breastfeeding or gun-control or fast food or ANYFREAKINGTHING for that matter,  and suddenly you are considered a judgmental jack-wagon who deserves to have their toenails pulled off one by one by those that DISAGREE (in their judgment) of your opinion.

People will demand apologies and retractions and will try to punish you by hitting the ridiculously unpowerful ”like” button on your Facebook page, or unfriend you personally or online.  (Oh no, please not that, right?) (Does anyone else see the irony, here)

Try making a generally informed opinion about anything and sharing it (go ahead do it, I will wait right here)- and chances are good some ass-hat who disagrees, or who feels that your words hit too close to home, will come at you with a “How dare you judge me,” remark as if you have just engraved their head stone with biting words.

Isn’t there a slight chance however that we have gone too far?  Is our own value REALLY AND SERIOUSLY so fragile that it hinges on what other people think, write or say?  Could it be that we are confusing the words CONDEMNATION and JUDGMENT

I have been accused of ‘judging’ someone else’s life a time or two and I will admit I have been put off when I felt that someone was ‘judging’ me without knowing all the facts.  However the reality is that judgment is defined by Webster’s (Wonder if any kids today know what Webster’s is)  as follows:

the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing

As parents, we are ALWAYS trying to instill a sense of judgment in our kids.  We are constantly hoping that our kids will use good judgment.  Shit, we harp on that crap all the time from the time out kids are young.  Part of being human is learning to – and having and formulating an opinion.  And moreover, just because you have one – doesn’t mean that you should be crucified for it.

Making good judgments about people, and situations and morality, and choices and life in general is a coveted skill.  Think of those among us who operate without any sort of good judgment and tell me what positive thing they add to society? We use catch phrases like, “that was a poor sense of judgment,” or “use your better judgment” all the time.

And you know what else:

If you don’t like what I say or what I think, then disagree – and move on.  If I don’t like what you say or your opinion, I can do the same.  Who cares?  Agree to disagree.

See, as human beings we are born with this thing called FREE WILL.

Free-will means that we can think whatever the hell we want at anytime.

We can even through our freedom of speech, share these thoughts and opinions that we have formed by (see above definition) without going against God or humanity.  And even more important, when we come across an opinion we don’t like, that hurts our feelings, that we don’t agree with – we can YES – decide to move on without getting our panties in a big tight ass wad that strangles us from any sort of common sense. Or we can choose to get angry, resentful, mad, or spiteful about it?  Free will gives us that choice as well.

Isn’t it a big waste of time to invest so much of our time in what other people think?

As the old saying goes, “What others think of you is really none of your business.”  And unless you feel threatened by their thoughts, or feel like they are handing you a shoe that may fit your foot just fine, then it really is okay to let it go.  Ask yourself, “Why are you so upset about this?”

Speaking from personal experience, when I have been the most upset about something – it’s because it is something I feel guilty about, or something that resonates with a part of me that I am not too thrilled to admit I have.  We use the outside world as a mirror to our inner world, and its always easier to argue with the outside world than admit that we could be flawed or weak, or have made mistakes in any way, right?

Maybe, just maybe – all these accusations of judgment and being judgy and being offended by anything that we disagree with is a more a matter of human beings with different mindsets, developing differing opinions based on cumulative knowledge or feelings.  After all, we come to our opinions about things in life for a REASON, through a process.  Sure, some of these processes are more thought out than others. 

In the mom community, the Judgy Mc-Judgypants, often referred to as ‘trolls’ are out in droves.  Why are moms so judgmental?  Probably because each of us moves through this thing called motherhood with so much insecurity.  We all want so badly to be perfect – to do everything the ‘right’ way, and anything that might seem to even ever so slightly indicate that we aren’t, has us lashing out harshly at one another to protect our oh-so-fragile maternal egos.  It’s silly, really.  We could actually be learning from one another, spreading love and support and empowering each other rather than constantly being accusatory and defensive.

At the end of the day – it is not my opinion (even if it is seen as a judgment) or your opinion (even if it is seen as a judgment) that matters.  And if it does, then perhaps WE have something internally we need to work on in our own lives.

 

Disclaimer:  This is just one woman’s opinion and is not to be taken personally by any one person or persons and in no way pertains to anyone specific.  If you don’t like it, move the hell on! 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Wisdom

Compassion – Who Really Gives a Rats @ss Anymore?

April 29, 2013 By 5 Comments

imagesThe other day, my 15-year-old and I were having a conversation about the state of the world. 

It was prompted by the Boston Bombings, and became a discussion about the tangled trail of human tragedies and her belief that people today don’t really give a crap about other people.  In fact, she said, “People don’t really give a rats @ss about things or other people unless it is happening to them or affects them personally.”

I tried with a hopeful heart to point out all the good things people do.  The way communities come together to help a family, the way churches and organizations form to volunteer time and resources to help others.  The good things that often stem from a tragedy, the friendships made in cancer wards etc.  She wasn’t buying it.

She told me a story about a boy in her class who committed suicide last year.  Up until he did so, she said the teachers and administrators at her school as well as the bulk of the student body were ‘mean’ to this kid.  She believed he had been written off, despite that he was known for smoking pot and getting into trouble and was probably in need of some help.  Then, his funeral turned into a city-wide event – and filled a church to the gills and beyond with people crying and sobbing what she believed were fake tears of guilt.  Many of these same people decimated by his death, adults and children alike,  were the very ones who had nothing good to say about this boy, and who never once reached out a hand or extended themselves to him.  In her eyes the mourning and production in the aftermath was fake, and only a resolution to guilt that people were feeling for treating this young man as disposable to begin with.  And she points out that today, almost a year later – very few people even talk about this young man anymore.

She talked about how at school most young people only get involved in other people’s problems because they are nosy, and likened it to rubber- neckers on the highway slowing down to see an accident.  For a split second they feel compassion, they may offer a word of kindness or some advice, or metaphorical blanket of warmth in the moment - perhaps send up a prayer – but then they move on and give the situation little further thought because it didn’t affect them.

She had in fact, tons of examples of fake compassion.  And although a large part of my hippy self wants to believe that there are a lot of people in this world who truly care, and who truly reach out to others – I have to admit that in many ways she is right. 

There are more people who are willing to remain complacent than there are who are willing to give something – whether it be their time, resources or heart.  We do tend to easily forget, quickly discard, and rapidly un-invest in anything that doesn’t affect us personally.

Sure, we all feel bad about things that happen.  We all hate to see people suffering, see the loss of life, see horrific tragedies like bombings or mass shootings.  And while it may instill many of us with fear and anger – the awful reality is that the majority of the world just moves on shaking their head.  If you gathered the percentages of those that help compared to those that do nothing – it would likely be shockingly low in relation to the overall population.

Why do people help?  What makes someone reach out to someone with an honest heart and compassionate soul?  For those that do because they care, it is simply that.  They care.  And they see humankind as an extension of themselves and realize that if they are able to help and spread love, then they should.  They even feel compelled to do so at a deep self and spiritual level.

And yet, in my young daughters defense, there are plenty of people who reach out momentarily only to relieve their own guilt or fear or anger or resentment about situation.  And plenty of other people who will message you on FB, approach you in the grocery store, or send you a text to check on you just so they can find out what is really going on in your life.  The information alone satisfies them, although their reaching out is done under the veil of compassion – it isn’t really compassionate at all.  It is self-serving and riddled with guilt.

I am not sure that there is a solution to this, or even if this can be classified as a problem.

Perhaps we are living in a world that has become desensitized to one another – that is living by a motto of “every man and woman for himself.”  Or perhaps this is just a defense mechanism so that we aren’t overloaded with fear and misery, and overwhelmed by taking on the broken wings of every bird in the world.  Truth is, I don’t know the answer.

She asked me if our house burned down, who would help us?  She asked me if I were to die and her and her sisters were to lose their mother, how long would it be before people forgot and moved on with their own lives?  And as far as the bombings and mass shootings and terrorist attacks – she reminded me that as soon as the news coverage is over, most will just forget and move on – while thousands of others will be affected for the rest of their lives. And she’s right, the ones personally affected will never forget.  But the rest of us, sadly….will.  Or will at least push it to the back of our minds.

She said, “Mom, is giving those people water – or collecting their shoes or selling t-shirts, really enough?  Or is it just a way for people to make themselves feel better about themselves – boosting their own ego temporarily?” 

I will admit that I was left in awe of her wisdom.  And saddened by her lack of faith in humanity.  I like to believe the best about people.  I like to think that I have raised my daughters to find the good in others, and to be compassionate souls.  But having people literally run over your dog in front of your house – then drive away without even slowing down to apologize while you stand there and watch a beloved pet die – leaves a sharp scar about the compassion in this world.

Still, I will continue to point out the good things to my daughter.  Will continue to try and keep her faith in humanity as inherently good alive.  I just wish the world would help me out a bit.

What’s your take?  Do people really care about one another?  Or are many acts of kindness just ways to inflate our own egos?

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Wisdom Tagged With: , , ,

Welcome to Yard Sale Hell! Or Not?

April 25, 2013 By 1 Comment

music-cds-435cs041212This spring, my family and I decided to take on a little spring project that includes revamping a 100-year-old building that is filled with junk.  The building is large, and was used long ago as a store, serving biscuits and hot coffee to the miners that mined for gold and copper in my neck of the woods during the late 1800′s and early 1900′s.

Unfortunately, for the last 50 years however, it has been ‘that place’ where I store everything and anything that I don’t have room for in my home. If I didn’t need it, didn’t want it, or wanted to get rid of something ridiculous that my husband that was suitable home décor, it went to the shed.  Stealthily, I would sneak out there with boxes and totes to hide all the unwanted items.   

My kids decided that we should get rid of all the stuff and have a yard sale to raise money for their softball team.  My father in law, decided that as we were cleaning 100 years worth of stuff, we would separate out the metal so they could recycle that to be used for their team as well.  And so, the process began.  And holy crap, did I realize that we had a lot of stuff.  Dirty, old, junky, stuff.  And of course, there were plenty of other things in that shed – that had probably been there 100 years that were worth some sort of money if only I knew what it was I was looking at.  It was one of those days when I wished the crew from American Pickers would stop by and help me sort through the stuff.  (They didn’t!)

There were old CD’s an Atari gaming system, about 500 tapes (does anyone remember those), old radios and plenty of items leftover from my husband’s childhood.  Along with dishes and light fixtures, clothes, nails and knick- knacks, old bottles and things that I didn’t even know existed.  All this stuff was toppled with more stuff, and cleaning out the old shed turned into a 2 day feat that left me dirty and tired and nostalgic.

It also left quite a bit of stuff in numerous piles strewn about the yard.  Environmental chaos.  And I honestly didn’t feel like I had the energy left to host a yard sale and certainly didn’t want to bicker about prices or have my yard turned into a flea market.  So I did a little research and with the helps of a friend found out that many of the items found in the shed could be sold (easily) at MusicMagpie.com  and others on Ebay.  And most of the stuff (aside from the metal that is STILL sitting in a recycle pile) was happily thrown away.

Getting rid of things you don’t need, want or use anymore really is a liberating feeling.  And I believe that discarding old things makes rooms for new things.  Even though we rarely used the shed, there was a part of my brain that knew all that stuff was sitting there stagnant in the shed.  Cleaning it out, and having a fresh space to start over with – felt like quite an achievement.  And making a little bit of money by selling some of these treasures online and otherwise, well that was just the icing on the cake.

Now, if only I could get my UPS man carpenter husband to finish replacing the rotten wood and get the new tin on the roof, my kids would have a great place to party!  (Or maybe I would have a wonderful place to exercise)  The only problem is that every time I am in that building by myself, I get a waft of the scent of biscuits and coffee and hear hoof-beats in the distance.  (Must be my imagination playing with me!)

Filed Under: Wellbeing Tagged With: , , ,

3 Ways Cash-Strapped Parents Can Save for Their Kids’ Summer Activities

April 19, 2013 By Leave a Comment

clip-art-sale-096045

Remember when we wrote about buying clothes for girls when you’re broke? Well, if you’re still broke – which most of us are when we have kids (even if our income tax returns don’t quite reflect that) – and you’re heading into a season of summer sports and activities, you’re about to find life gets a whole lot more expensive and you’re probably pulling your hair out trying to determine how you can afford to do it all.

You know, you’ve got your kids whining (errrr, asking?) if they can go to horseback riding camp, take swimming lessons, or play baseball. You know that these are activities that would enrich their lives. You also know that it’s going to be a very long summer if you don’t get them out of your hair while they’re out of school for the season.

So, even if you don’t think you can afford to do it all, desperate times come to desperate measures and there are ways you can make it work for the sake of your sanity.

  1. Find ways to save on  activities - many children’s activity programs offer discounts if you register early. They want to have registration completed well in advance,   that way they know whether the program is worth running, and so they can staff it accordingly. What these activity programs also know is that  parents just are not well-organized in advance without motivation, after      all, we’re extremely BUSY! But money is motivation, so they offer these  discounts. Seriously, they do, you might just not know it if you’ve never  asked early enough. So, try it, you may find that you get something out of it that helps your budget on your kids’ activities!
  2. Save on other things for  the kids – even if you’re saving on things that are unrelated to the  activities, you can “find” money by saving on the kids’ usual expenses if you are a smart shopper. If you’re sneaky enough about it, the kids will never notice that anything’s changed in their lives either. If you promised your little boy or girl a room makeover if they get good grades,  that’s still an option. Just look for a Pottery Barn Kids promo code instead of buying furniture and decor at full  price. You can also shop wisely for their summer clothes, using some of  the tips you learned when you read my other blog about how to cut back on kid-related expenses. Your kids won’t know the difference, but you will when you have extra money available to you.
  3. Spend less on  activity-related equipment - there are coupons at NerdWallet and  other coupon and discount sites that can help you reduce the cost of  sporting equipment, and virtually anything else kids might need when they are getting out of the house. If your kid is trying a new activity for the  first time, it’s also wise not to drop a bundle because they might only  use that baseball bat for one season and decided they’d rather do ballet instead. You can buy used, shop when there are sales or use coupons to  help save money.

If you implement these tips, you might just find that your kids and all things that you have to provide them with are a little less expensive.

 

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: ,

Where Has Mom-Spirational Gone? Bloggers Gone WILD!

April 16, 2013 By 6 Comments

6716_xekILRpMOdzstIfFor the amazing 5 of you who are actually subscribed to this blog – you might be worried that perhaps I have fallen off the face of the Earth or something.  And for those that follow along on Facebook – it may seem like I have taken a complete hiatus from writing anything new on the blog – since its been several weeks since I have added anything new.

I appreciate the deep concern.  And I am here to tell you that I am okay.  Totally fine.  Wonderful.  Hunky Dory!  (You may now wipe the sweat beads of worry off your brow – and THEN, please subscribe in the box to the right so that you will NEVER miss out on anything from Mom-Spirational ever again!)

Okay – so where has Mom-spirational gone?  What is up with the blog?  Is everything okay in the estrogen filled, old white house with the red tin roof and crooked floors?  Is someone sick or dying? 

The answer to all of these questions is unimpressive.  (I tried to think of something really cool to use as an excuse, but couldn’t even imagine a more exciting and fun-filled life than the one I really own.)

I have been here all along.  *Sigh*

The problem is that LIFE HAS COME RAINING DOWN on my perfectly planned parade, and every time I sat time aside to write, or to get things done – someone would holler, “Mama.”  Or the phone would ring.  Or the toilet overflowed.  Or my beloved dog would get out of the dog pen and I would have to chase him before the crazy ass bike riding twit came hurling down my road looking to sue me again.  You get the point!

We have had school projects, softball season has started (with 4 kids playing and coaching 3 teams), mid terms, spring break, and the horrific state-wide testing has commenced (which means tons of cramming and homework)  Plus, there is that shitty little thing called dinner that must be cooked every day (which if you know me – you know is the bane of my existence), some home improvement projects looming, generalized cleaning and of course laundry.  Then of course there are the hundreds or seemingly thousands of phone calls to make, appointments to plan, bills to pay etc. that eat up minutes like kids eat up candy.  And if I am really lucky, I can sneak in a shower (which I swear only takes me 10 minutes from start to finish, including hair drying).  Throw in a little grocery shopping, errand running, a party or two at school, returning calls to the people who are important to me, – and I will be the first to admit that I have become completely overwhelmed with life.   And now that Spring has sprung, grass cutting is becoming a necessity as well.

I have decided that I need a DO NOT DISTURB sign to hang around my neck.  Or, I need to ship the kids off for a week just so I can think and so the voices in my head will stop.

This makes no mention of the fact that I have paying gigs to write for, and that I spend more time in my car every day than in my bed. Sadly, I don’t even have writers block!  Here’s the PROOF, just check out some of the amazing things I have written lately!  And on top of that, Andrea over at AKAY Web Design (she’s amazing) has been helping me get our Softball site up and running.  (You need to check it out)

It’s so funny to me that the world thinks I have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.  My husband is always saying, “just write your book already,” and the kids think that between the hours of 8am and 1pm every day, I should be able to get things taken care of at home, phone calls, my work life, the house.  You name it.  What they think I can accomplish in 5 hours, is more than what 5 of me could accomplish in 5 hours.

And that’s the story. (I am sure you know it well, right?)

One of the reasons that I bow out from any of the garden duties around this farm, is because I know how much time and effort a garden takes.  If I take that on, I will spend hours weeding and picking fruits and veggies, and cranking up the tractor. So I let the kids, hubby and father in law deal with all of that.  But having a blog, is very much like having a garden.  It takes time and commitment, and nurturing and love.  You have to be able to nurse social media, and spend quality time writing.  If you don’t put time or effort in – your blog will look like mine – empty for two weeks!

But, I am back!!!!!  Even if it is just for three or five of you who care – mostly my blog is for me.  So I have decided that I will at least set aside 30 minutes a day, with the do not disturb sign around my neck – to baby this dream of mine.  

So hey!  Do me a favor and subscribe the blog, like us on Facebook – and make all this hard work pay off a little.  (I will return the favor)

Filed Under: Wisdom Tagged With: , , ,

Can a Licensed Professional Counselor Get You OUT of the Mom Funk

March 28, 2013 By Leave a Comment

CLIPART_OF_83319_SMJPG-2A few weeks ago, I wrote my article about the Mom Funk.  (If you haven’t read the article check it out!) The article was inspired by my waking up one rainy morning at 6:15 am, rushing to the kitchen and realizing that making peanut butter sandwiches that early in the day – for other people (no matter how much I love those other people) was a tad depressing.  After all, I do the same thing every day, at the same time every day.  (Although some days, I make ham sandwiches instead of peanut butter, which is kind of exciting!)  I was so overwhelmed that I started looking for help, which led me to this north Carolina licensed professional counselor.

Did peanut butter sandwiches, mounting laundry piles, a sink full of dishes, smelly arm-pits, physical exhaustion, a lack of creativity and motivation really mean that I needed professional help?  I don’t know.  But I do know this.

Here’s the thing.  Life is monotonous.  For women, for mothers – and hell, even for fathers and our children and teenagers - life is often about settling into routine that works.  But just because it works doesn’t mean that it is fulfilling, or satisfying, or that it prompts us to be at our best creatively and emotionally.

Prolonged, the feeling of being stuck in a rut can lead to all sorts of anxiety disorders, stress problems, and even depression.  When those feelings strike – its easy to feel like a total failure because the reality is – we all have so much to be grateful for.  How can we feel stuck in a rut, or bored, or restless, or depressed, or anxious – when we have so much abundance in our lives.

That is my number one pet peeve with self-help.  Often, it doesn’t tell us that it is okay to feel bad.  We are reminded to choose our destiny, choose our thoughts, take control of our own happiness to the point that when we don’t have those ‘cushy unicorn feelings’ we feel like failures.

My advice is short and simple!  Talk it out.  Talk to a friend, your mother, your aunt.  If your neighbor will stand at the fence long enough to listen to you rant – then use her ears as a sounding board.  See a counselor, or a therapist if you are truly overwhelmed with your duties in life, or need to be redirected to find inspiration.  Lean on your spouse.  Have a conversation with your dog or your kitty cat.  Use Facebook as a place to vent so that you feel less alone, because you will be surprised at the amount of people who come out of the woodwork to say, “HEY, ME TOOOOO!”  And this, feels validating.

My friends, we all have problems or issues.  There are times when each of us needs someone to lean on.  If you don’t know who to turn to, look for a counselor – or email me, and I will at the very least try to make you laugh!

 

**This is a sponsored post, but all opinions, advice and ideas are my own**

Filed Under: Wellbeing Tagged With: , , ,

Buying Clothes For Girls – (When You Are Broke)

March 27, 2013 By 10 Comments

 

clip-art-sale-096045One of the problems with kids, is that they just keep growing.

That means that with each new season – I have the lovely chore of forcing the kids to try on last years clothes, only to find that their shorts are inches too short – or their shirts barely cover their mid-section, and their heels are hanging off the end of their shoes.

I don’t know about you, but the LAST thing that I strive for when it comes to what my kids wear, is allowing them to roam around scantily dressed like Hoochie-Mama’s wearing clothes that are too tight, or too risqué.  (Which by the way is incredibly difficult these days with the fashions being marketed to young girls.  Do they really need to be wearing lace and see through clothes that could double as lingerie?  To School?)

Once the trash bags of old clothes are filled up and ready for donation – the closets bare, I begin looking for bargains.  Buying for 4 girls is not an easy task on any budget, and the truth is that without coupons or sales, or promotions from stores – I would only be able to buy a few items at a time.  My mother in law firmly believes that children should have around 10-14 outfits per season that they can rotate shirts and pants to make several different outfits.  (And thankfully, she helps buy school clothes for the kids)

Often, with patience and a little research I find deals such as save 15% off everything from my favorite stores.  Since it can be difficult to fit my daughters into new clothes shopping online - but the prices are often cheaper, we often just make a day of going to the store – finding what we like, writing down the item numbers and then bulk ordering online. In the past few years, I have saved quite a bit of money shopping this way, plus many of the online promotions allow you to bundle coupon codes from sites like Retail Me Not

I am also certainly not opposed to second-hand clothing stores.  I am lucky enough that in my area there are quite a few consignment shops that cater to pre-teens and teenagers as well as elementary school kids and I can often find entire name brand wardrobes second-hand for what one single outfit would cost retail price.  Many of these stores also offer coupons or deals, and have frequent shopper cards and/or seasonal sales. Shopping in these stores has also been a great lesson for my children, showing them that you don’t have to pay full price – or necessarily shop at the ‘most popular’ stores in the mall to walk away with decent clothing.   Yard sales, and even E-Bay are also great ways to buy clothes for rock bottom prices,

I know for a lot of parents, the easiest way to save money on buying kids clothes is to buy out of season.  Unfortunately, this has never worked for me.  Every time I have tried to buy winter clothes at the end of the season, I have found that they didn’t fit come the following winter.

Just last week, despite the fact that Mother Nature is insisting that it will be boot and scarf weather for the next month or so, Yellow Box flip-flops (a must have for today’s teens) went on sale at a local store.  With a store coupon and an in store coupon code, I was able to buy 4 pairs for the retail price of 2.

You will find that keeping kids in clothes that fit is not only time-consuming, but expensive. The realization that they will grow out of everything you buy at some point – makes trying to save money on clothes a no-brainer.  After all, if your family is anything like mine – you have plenty of other things to spend your hard-earned money on.

How do you save money on clothing and accessories for your children?

 

 

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That’s My Chair!!!

March 20, 2013 By 3 Comments

Kids are ridiculous creatures.  Sure, we love ‘em, but spend almost 24 hours in a house without a power, and you will quickly be bowing your head in gratitude for technology, and TV’s and everything else in the house that makes noise and therefore entertains children. 

During our stint without power, the kids seemed to work extra hard to get on my nerves.  At first, they were full of new world problems that were fairly insignificant compared to all the newly bought meat that I worried would rot in the freezer before the power was restored.  But then, the fighting and bickering turned to things like chairs.  You would think a candle lit home, a few hours past dusk, and all of the family sitting comfortably in the living room would foster conversation.  But nope!  It fostered arguments.  Every time kid one or kid two would get up, kid three and kid four would steal their chair.  And so commenced the nagging argument of “that’s my CHAIR!”

Let me rewind just a bit.  We have a sectional couch in our living room and a standard sized couch.  And then, we have one single recliner.  Apparently, this reclining chair has some sort of magical powers because the kids are always vying to sit in it.  When one plants their butt down into the cushions, they will holler, “Save my seat,” as loud as possible if they have to get up to pee.  And if they think for a moment that one of their siblings is going to steal their chair (which is pretty much a given at this point) while they pee, they will simply opt to hold it in as lon as possible.

I bowed out of the “Save my seat, ” and “Shotgun,” argument several years ago. Quite honestly, it was too difficult to monitor who sat where when, or last and whose turn it was to sit in ‘the chair’ or the front seat of the car.  This has turned the entire argument over cushioned property into a free for all.  The other night without power, it was an all out war, as the favorite chair in the house was also closest to the candles (and therefore the lights) and the kids all felt that THEY should be the one sitting in it.  The conversations went something like this…..

“Mama remember the other day when we were watching Dance Moms and Shelby got to sit in the chair,” or “Mama, I was just getting up to get a cookie and she stole my seat,” or “Mama, you NEVER let me sit in that chair and so and so sister ALWAYS gets to sit in it..”  This went on for an hour or more in the dim candlelight of what could have been a very romantic and peaceful time with the family. Then, I focused on the flickering candle flame and all I heard was screeching and sentences filled with “blah, blah blahs.”

There were tears.  And arguments.  And bickering.  Until eventually, I told the kids in a completely freaked out manner,  that no one under the age of 18, under any terms or conditions,  was allowed to sit in the chair ever again.  From that point forward the favorite chair was to become an adult only chair, perfect for lounging and Kindle Reading, or beer drinking while watching ESPN.  I took this new rule one step further and told them any child under the age of 18 who dared to sit their ass in ‘the chair’ would be responsible for the next toilet cleaning, without gloves, until all the gross spots underneath the seat were completely gone!

This afternoon, I walked in the living room and found kid three sitting in the adult only lounge chair.  As I approached her, she thought I forgot about the deal made the other night.  I walked into the bathroom and came out with the toilet brush, wielding it as though it was sword.  Big blue eyes stared back at me, horrified, that I was actually going to follow through on the chair rules.  I think she sensed that questioning me at this point was not a good idea, so she rose up from the chair, grabbed the toilet brush and Clorox scrub and shouted, “Thats my CHAIR, save MY Seat,” with authority only a middle child can muster.  Then she looked at me sideways and said, “What!  The toilet will already be cleaned – so I can sit in it when I am done.  That’s only fair, right?”

I still cant figure out if I was bamboozled or not.  But the bottom line is that my toilet got cleaned without me having to do it.  And I know that the strong pull to sit in the mafical reclining chair is so strong, that I may very well never have to clean the toilet again.  I think that is what you call a win-win situation. 

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Special Needs Child Meets “Me” The Asshole

March 14, 2013 By 6 Comments

I hope that most of you will read beyond the title, before berating me for what I realize now was discrimination against a special needs child. 

This is a story about awakening, about being re-acquainted with my value for each and every human – regardless (and sometimes despite) their behavior.  But mostly, this is a tale of understanding.  About never forgetting.

As humans – we tend to find fault or anger or make false judgment against things we don’t understand. That doesn’t make it right, or valuable.  We cannot just go around saying, “Well, I didn’t know all that,” and then find comfort in our belief systems that anyone who is different is not ‘right.’  And we certainly cannot expect to know each and every childs (persons) story – or think we have a right to knowing their story, before we can excuse or accept them for who they are.

I make no excuses for myself, except for sheer ignorance.  I tend to believe that I am an extremely understanding individual, and have tried to teach my kids that there are all sorts of people in this world and that we have to try to accept them all.

When it comes to the human beings that land on this planet, I do not believe there are any mistakes.  They are ALL here, WE are all HERE for a reason.  There is not ONE singular exception to this rule….

I am bit embarrassed to admit however, that I too – have unknowingly discriminated against a special needs child.  Not outwardly of course, but inwardly – within the confines of my mind and in conversations with my young daughter.

There is a particular child in my daughters kindergarten class who seems to be constantly out of sync.  On the multiple times that I have visited the classroom, all I notice is his bizarre and impulsive behavior and his lack of self-control.  My daughter comes home every day and tells me yet another story about this ‘little boy in her class’ who has once again, done ‘such and such.’

I always tell her shaking my head with disgust, “Well just stay away from him,” or “Maybe there is something wrong with him.”

I have told her that there are just some kids in this world that aren’t disciplined, and that have problems and that some kids just act badly at school.  Bad.  Badly.  (Words that I am ashamed to admit I used about a 6-year-old boy).  Rotten bananas are bad, not kids.

And yes, I will shamefully admit that I have felt sorry for his parents, have wondered what was wrong with his mother and father – and been curious about what atrocious things must be going in his home for him to act so strangely at school.  And, YES, I will further admit that I have felt resentment that this one child has taken up so much time in the conventional classroom, time away from the kids who did fit into the perfect mold of kindergarten academia.

Here’s the thing.  I didn’t know one thing about this boy.  Not one.  Just his name.  And yet I saw him as a ‘threat’ a ‘detriment’ and a person that “normal” kids should not have to deal with on a daily basis.  Yes, I did just write that sentence.  And yes, I feel like a complete and total asshole for admitting that here on a public blog. 

One of my all time favorite Facebook Pages/Blog is The Crumb Diaries.  I look forward to her posts everyday about her son Logan, who is a special needs teen.  I know all about indigo children (as I have one of my own), and I have fallen in love with Logan and his mother (they have no idea who I am) by reading her daily posts about life with Logan.  I have grown to see him as not special needs, but simply special. 

When I was young I wanted to be a writer AND a special needs teacher? 

I have always been able to pick out the kids in this world with a broken wing and extend my hand and my heart openly to give them wings.  So what the hell was wrong with me?  When did I become such a bitch? 

In a short conversation with someone who knew this child well and knew HIS story  I was swallowed whole with guilt and remorse for my feelings toward a child.  A child!   A fewllow human being.  I was guilty for words that I used to describe him without knowing HIS story.  Here I am writing a blog segment called Stories of Us on this blog, and yet I was forgetting that even children have stories that don’t necessarily read like an open book.  They are thrown into this world of standards and rules and when they don’t seem to fit into the puzzle – they are discarded or judged.

Had I really stepped so far off my moral and spiritual road to think that my thoughts were EVER okay?  Apparently, I had.  And apparently the Universe was going to remind me that although my kids may ‘look and act perfect’ on the outside – human perfection and love comes in all different wrappers.

Here’s what I didn’t know.  (Not that it should matter)

But, this boy was found in a dog crate at the age of 18 months while living with his drug addicted mothers home.  He had never had anything to eat at that point in his life – except a bottle.  He spoke not a word.  There’s more to the story that I wont share now, but you can rest assured that he is now in a loving and healthy home.

Here he was 4 1/2 years later, a handsome and healthy young boy with some developmental delays and some emotional problems.  I skimmed the playground to find him and saw him hugging a classmate.  When he accidentally got bark in another child’s face, he ran to the teacher to immediately confess and get a hug.  In fact, he hugged his teacher many times during that short 30 minutes.

There wasnt a ‘mean’ or ‘bad’ bone in this childs body and his heart, when I was really looking at HIM, not his differences - was as honest and pure as crystal.  C.R.Y.S.T.A.L!  And perhaps that is exactly what made him different.

As we walked back to class, me still reeling from my own guilt and horror – I stood back to walk with him as he seemed distracted following the line of students headed back to the building.  He accepted me as a friend without apprehension or shyness.  I looked into his eyes and wondered if he was ever held as a baby,  ever rocked to sleep.  There aren’t words to describe the despair I felt for him.  I grabbed his hand, and he told me – a perfect stranger – that he loved me.  And I think that he meant it.

I think that he really meant it, as tingles shuttered through my body as if I had just touched an angel. I knew I didn’t deserve to be loved in that moment, especially by him – a perfectly beautiful child, who I had written off as a ‘bad egg’ so to speak. 

Our teachers come in all shapes and forms.  This day, my teacher, my messenger from the Universe was a small boy with warm hands and a big heart that I may have missed out on seeing due to my own close-mindedness.

I have never once considered myself close minded until this moment in my life.

The truth is, I shouldn’t have had to learn his story to be accepting.  That is our responsibility from the get go, to accept others.

No one has a responsibility to share with us the reasons, or diagnoses, or unexplained history, or medical definitions of why anyone is the way they are.  We (I) cannot walk around this world with a box to compartmentalize people by shape, size, or color as if we are all Legos. 

Sure, we are all one small part of a bigger plan – a larger picture, a massive and tall Lego tower, where each of us has a place to belong – but none of us have any right to make decisions about where that place is.  Not ever.

In the end, it was me with the special need – not this little boy.  And I am grateful, that he was there to teach me, to put me back on the path of real human acceptance and love.

 

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