Break Ups, Shaving Legs, Pooping at School and Peri-Menopause

May 7, 2013 By 3 Comments

timesThis has been a long week.  A very long week.

There have been a lot of firsts in my home for my kiddos that have been painfully new endeavors for me as a mother.  Kid 3 decided it was time to shave her legs, which is a massive indicator that she is growing up, much to my dismay.  It’s one thing for my oldest kids to be growing up – but for one of my littler ones, not so much.  And speaking of growing up, Kid 4 – the youngest, actually pooped at school.  This too, is a huge, massive milestone coming from a child that I thought would probably be okay with me wiping her butt until she is 20 due to her aversion to anything gross.

That, and then one of my oldest endured her first break-up, after a first relationship.  And a first heartbreak to boot.  I have to be the first to admit (lots of firsts here) that watching your child hurting when you are powerless to do anything about it, sucks big donkey butt.

But it also reinforced the fact that although I don’t have the perfect family, we are perfectly imperfect.  I learned that even though I have suspected my daughters hated each other all these years, they don’t.  Seeing them bond together to help heal the heartbreak of one of their sisters was a pretty amazing journey.  On Saturday night, sitting around the kitchen table, I wanted to break out into the chorus of “We are FAMILY, I got all my sisters and me,” because it really was an empowering girl-fest which made me feel sorry for anyone who ever tried to ‘mess with’ or ‘hurt’ one of my kids in the years to come.  The backlash unleashed from the sisterhood will be brutal.  While my girls may not always see eye to eye or get along, apparently they come together on the important stuff in life.  (And yes, I will happily take credit for some of that no matter how fleeting the ‘got each other’s back’ phase may last.

Lets put some icing on this ‘time is flying’ cake by me deciding that I have in fact hit perimenopause.  (TMI?)  Not really, because it really doesn’t mean anything except for that I will spend the next several years trying to convince my doctor to go ahead and get rid of my girly parts – which is something I have been doing since my last C-Section anyways.

The funny thing is that just yesterday, (and I promise it feels like just yesterday) I was reeling from being pregnant and changing twin diapers.  The FUTURE is NOW here.

My biggest worry in life was whether I could get all the kids in bed on time.  I was stressing over insignificant (at least they seem that way now) things such as the growth chart from the doctor, the runny nose, whether the inside of the bulb syringe was clean, the color of their poop, whether my children would ever learn to crawl or walk, and whether or not they were getting enough vegetables in their diet.

I was a stressed out hot mess back then – and today, not so much.  As much as I hated thinking about the future back then when the kids would be growing up - its not so bad now that I live in it.

Even though I am dealing with bigger issues than the ones from ‘just yesterday,’ I am handling them better.  Time has moved so fast, that it is no longer 4 against 1 on the home front where the kids outnumber the parents.  Instead, its just one big dysfunctional, perfectly imperfect family that works together as a unit to tackle life one day and week at a time. Together.  As a team.  We have grown to that dreaded awful place in life where we are a team of family members.

Yes, the kids are growing up.  Things are changing rapidly.  And while the changes may be bittersweet, there is also something very comforting, empowering and relaxing that comes with the growth of our children.

Filed Under: Wisdom

Judging Judgy Mc-Judgeypants

May 2, 2013 By 7 Comments

judgment-quotesIf you are reading this, than chances are you have spent some time on the internet.

And you have probably heard the word ‘judgy’ (which isn’t even a REAL word) or ‘judgment’ or some variation thereof thrown around with as much velocity as the ‘f’ word and with as much frequency as the word ‘the’ is used in general text.

Yes, it seems that everyone is becoming or accused of being Judgy Mc-Judgypants with the same disdain that we use for armed robbers.

People accuse us of judging them, which always ends up in some one’s panties in a wad.  We accuse others of judging us, which ends up in our panties in a wad.  People revert to throwing out Bible quotes about judging to defend their dislike of judging, say mean and ironically enough, ‘judgmental’ things back to show their disdain for what they feel is ‘judgment’ in the first place - and most often become hypocritical products of judgment themselves.  Even worse, our entire legal system is based on judgment in the hopes of providing everyone equality.

It’s confusing, yes.  All this negativity on the inter-webs, in life, in families and especially among mom circles over something called ‘judgment.‘

Whenever ‘judgment’ is suspected, the aftermath is immediately troll like and facetious.  Mostly, however – it’s all a little bit ridiculous in my non-judgmental opinion.  Here’s why!

Somewhere along the way, likely through religious quotes such as those listed here in regard to judgment - we have decided that JUDGING, as in the verb, and JUDGMENT as in the noun are evil things only undertaken by egotistical know-it-alls with the specific intent to inflict or do harm to others.  (Funny enough, on the other hand if people AGREE with you – then they will become an army behind you defending you and in turn ripping those that disagreed apart thread by thread).

And the people constantly accusing others of being Judgy McJudgypants and getting all bent out of shape about it are in my OPINION (not to be misconstrued with judgment) people who believe everything in the world revolves around them and their opinion.  Oh my gosh, if they read a blog that they don’t agree with – then it MUST be about them specifically, whether the author knows them or not.

Yep, I’m starting to hear the lyrics to Carly Simon’s hit ”You’re so vain, I bet you think this song is about you, you’re so VAIN!”  (You can thank me later for planting that song in your head for the rest of the day!)

Seriously, make a comment about something as benign as your stance on breastfeeding or gun-control or fast food or ANYFREAKINGTHING for that matter,  and suddenly you are considered a judgmental jack-wagon who deserves to have their toenails pulled off one by one by those that DISAGREE (in their judgment) of your opinion.

People will demand apologies and retractions and will try to punish you by hitting the ridiculously unpowerful ”like” button on your Facebook page, or unfriend you personally or online.  (Oh no, please not that, right?) (Does anyone else see the irony, here)

Try making a generally informed opinion about anything and sharing it (go ahead do it, I will wait right here)- and chances are good some ass-hat who disagrees, or who feels that your words hit too close to home, will come at you with a “How dare you judge me,” remark as if you have just engraved their head stone with biting words.

Isn’t there a slight chance however that we have gone too far?  Is our own value REALLY AND SERIOUSLY so fragile that it hinges on what other people think, write or say?  Could it be that we are confusing the words CONDEMNATION and JUDGMENT

I have been accused of ‘judging’ someone else’s life a time or two and I will admit I have been put off when I felt that someone was ‘judging’ me without knowing all the facts.  However the reality is that judgment is defined by Webster’s (Wonder if any kids today know what Webster’s is)  as follows:

the process of forming an opinion or evaluation by discerning and comparing

As parents, we are ALWAYS trying to instill a sense of judgment in our kids.  We are constantly hoping that our kids will use good judgment.  Shit, we harp on that crap all the time from the time out kids are young.  Part of being human is learning to – and having and formulating an opinion.  And moreover, just because you have one – doesn’t mean that you should be crucified for it.

Making good judgments about people, and situations and morality, and choices and life in general is a coveted skill.  Think of those among us who operate without any sort of good judgment and tell me what positive thing they add to society? We use catch phrases like, “that was a poor sense of judgment,” or “use your better judgment” all the time.

And you know what else:

If you don’t like what I say or what I think, then disagree – and move on.  If I don’t like what you say or your opinion, I can do the same.  Who cares?  Agree to disagree.

See, as human beings we are born with this thing called FREE WILL.

Free-will means that we can think whatever the hell we want at anytime.

We can even through our freedom of speech, share these thoughts and opinions that we have formed by (see above definition) without going against God or humanity.  And even more important, when we come across an opinion we don’t like, that hurts our feelings, that we don’t agree with – we can YES – decide to move on without getting our panties in a big tight ass wad that strangles us from any sort of common sense. Or we can choose to get angry, resentful, mad, or spiteful about it?  Free will gives us that choice as well.

Isn’t it a big waste of time to invest so much of our time in what other people think?

As the old saying goes, “What others think of you is really none of your business.”  And unless you feel threatened by their thoughts, or feel like they are handing you a shoe that may fit your foot just fine, then it really is okay to let it go.  Ask yourself, “Why are you so upset about this?”

Speaking from personal experience, when I have been the most upset about something – it’s because it is something I feel guilty about, or something that resonates with a part of me that I am not too thrilled to admit I have.  We use the outside world as a mirror to our inner world, and its always easier to argue with the outside world than admit that we could be flawed or weak, or have made mistakes in any way, right?

Maybe, just maybe – all these accusations of judgment and being judgy and being offended by anything that we disagree with is a more a matter of human beings with different mindsets, developing differing opinions based on cumulative knowledge or feelings.  After all, we come to our opinions about things in life for a REASON, through a process.  Sure, some of these processes are more thought out than others. 

In the mom community, the Judgy Mc-Judgypants, often referred to as ‘trolls’ are out in droves.  Why are moms so judgmental?  Probably because each of us moves through this thing called motherhood with so much insecurity.  We all want so badly to be perfect – to do everything the ‘right’ way, and anything that might seem to even ever so slightly indicate that we aren’t, has us lashing out harshly at one another to protect our oh-so-fragile maternal egos.  It’s silly, really.  We could actually be learning from one another, spreading love and support and empowering each other rather than constantly being accusatory and defensive.

At the end of the day – it is not my opinion (even if it is seen as a judgment) or your opinion (even if it is seen as a judgment) that matters.  And if it does, then perhaps WE have something internally we need to work on in our own lives.

 

Disclaimer:  This is just one woman’s opinion and is not to be taken personally by any one person or persons and in no way pertains to anyone specific.  If you don’t like it, move the hell on! 

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Wisdom

Compassion – Who Really Gives a Rats @ss Anymore?

April 29, 2013 By 5 Comments

imagesThe other day, my 15-year-old and I were having a conversation about the state of the world. 

It was prompted by the Boston Bombings, and became a discussion about the tangled trail of human tragedies and her belief that people today don’t really give a crap about other people.  In fact, she said, “People don’t really give a rats @ss about things or other people unless it is happening to them or affects them personally.”

I tried with a hopeful heart to point out all the good things people do.  The way communities come together to help a family, the way churches and organizations form to volunteer time and resources to help others.  The good things that often stem from a tragedy, the friendships made in cancer wards etc.  She wasn’t buying it.

She told me a story about a boy in her class who committed suicide last year.  Up until he did so, she said the teachers and administrators at her school as well as the bulk of the student body were ‘mean’ to this kid.  She believed he had been written off, despite that he was known for smoking pot and getting into trouble and was probably in need of some help.  Then, his funeral turned into a city-wide event – and filled a church to the gills and beyond with people crying and sobbing what she believed were fake tears of guilt.  Many of these same people decimated by his death, adults and children alike,  were the very ones who had nothing good to say about this boy, and who never once reached out a hand or extended themselves to him.  In her eyes the mourning and production in the aftermath was fake, and only a resolution to guilt that people were feeling for treating this young man as disposable to begin with.  And she points out that today, almost a year later – very few people even talk about this young man anymore.

She talked about how at school most young people only get involved in other people’s problems because they are nosy, and likened it to rubber- neckers on the highway slowing down to see an accident.  For a split second they feel compassion, they may offer a word of kindness or some advice, or metaphorical blanket of warmth in the moment - perhaps send up a prayer – but then they move on and give the situation little further thought because it didn’t affect them.

She had in fact, tons of examples of fake compassion.  And although a large part of my hippy self wants to believe that there are a lot of people in this world who truly care, and who truly reach out to others – I have to admit that in many ways she is right. 

There are more people who are willing to remain complacent than there are who are willing to give something – whether it be their time, resources or heart.  We do tend to easily forget, quickly discard, and rapidly un-invest in anything that doesn’t affect us personally.

Sure, we all feel bad about things that happen.  We all hate to see people suffering, see the loss of life, see horrific tragedies like bombings or mass shootings.  And while it may instill many of us with fear and anger – the awful reality is that the majority of the world just moves on shaking their head.  If you gathered the percentages of those that help compared to those that do nothing – it would likely be shockingly low in relation to the overall population.

Why do people help?  What makes someone reach out to someone with an honest heart and compassionate soul?  For those that do because they care, it is simply that.  They care.  And they see humankind as an extension of themselves and realize that if they are able to help and spread love, then they should.  They even feel compelled to do so at a deep self and spiritual level.

And yet, in my young daughters defense, there are plenty of people who reach out momentarily only to relieve their own guilt or fear or anger or resentment about situation.  And plenty of other people who will message you on FB, approach you in the grocery store, or send you a text to check on you just so they can find out what is really going on in your life.  The information alone satisfies them, although their reaching out is done under the veil of compassion – it isn’t really compassionate at all.  It is self-serving and riddled with guilt.

I am not sure that there is a solution to this, or even if this can be classified as a problem.

Perhaps we are living in a world that has become desensitized to one another – that is living by a motto of “every man and woman for himself.”  Or perhaps this is just a defense mechanism so that we aren’t overloaded with fear and misery, and overwhelmed by taking on the broken wings of every bird in the world.  Truth is, I don’t know the answer.

She asked me if our house burned down, who would help us?  She asked me if I were to die and her and her sisters were to lose their mother, how long would it be before people forgot and moved on with their own lives?  And as far as the bombings and mass shootings and terrorist attacks – she reminded me that as soon as the news coverage is over, most will just forget and move on – while thousands of others will be affected for the rest of their lives. And she’s right, the ones personally affected will never forget.  But the rest of us, sadly….will.  Or will at least push it to the back of our minds.

She said, “Mom, is giving those people water – or collecting their shoes or selling t-shirts, really enough?  Or is it just a way for people to make themselves feel better about themselves – boosting their own ego temporarily?” 

I will admit that I was left in awe of her wisdom.  And saddened by her lack of faith in humanity.  I like to believe the best about people.  I like to think that I have raised my daughters to find the good in others, and to be compassionate souls.  But having people literally run over your dog in front of your house – then drive away without even slowing down to apologize while you stand there and watch a beloved pet die – leaves a sharp scar about the compassion in this world.

Still, I will continue to point out the good things to my daughter.  Will continue to try and keep her faith in humanity as inherently good alive.  I just wish the world would help me out a bit.

What’s your take?  Do people really care about one another?  Or are many acts of kindness just ways to inflate our own egos?

 

 

 

 

Filed Under: Wisdom Tagged With: , , ,

Where Has Mom-Spirational Gone? Bloggers Gone WILD!

April 16, 2013 By 6 Comments

6716_xekILRpMOdzstIfFor the amazing 5 of you who are actually subscribed to this blog – you might be worried that perhaps I have fallen off the face of the Earth or something.  And for those that follow along on Facebook – it may seem like I have taken a complete hiatus from writing anything new on the blog – since its been several weeks since I have added anything new.

I appreciate the deep concern.  And I am here to tell you that I am okay.  Totally fine.  Wonderful.  Hunky Dory!  (You may now wipe the sweat beads of worry off your brow – and THEN, please subscribe in the box to the right so that you will NEVER miss out on anything from Mom-Spirational ever again!)

Okay – so where has Mom-spirational gone?  What is up with the blog?  Is everything okay in the estrogen filled, old white house with the red tin roof and crooked floors?  Is someone sick or dying? 

The answer to all of these questions is unimpressive.  (I tried to think of something really cool to use as an excuse, but couldn’t even imagine a more exciting and fun-filled life than the one I really own.)

I have been here all along.  *Sigh*

The problem is that LIFE HAS COME RAINING DOWN on my perfectly planned parade, and every time I sat time aside to write, or to get things done – someone would holler, “Mama.”  Or the phone would ring.  Or the toilet overflowed.  Or my beloved dog would get out of the dog pen and I would have to chase him before the crazy ass bike riding twit came hurling down my road looking to sue me again.  You get the point!

We have had school projects, softball season has started (with 4 kids playing and coaching 3 teams), mid terms, spring break, and the horrific state-wide testing has commenced (which means tons of cramming and homework)  Plus, there is that shitty little thing called dinner that must be cooked every day (which if you know me – you know is the bane of my existence), some home improvement projects looming, generalized cleaning and of course laundry.  Then of course there are the hundreds or seemingly thousands of phone calls to make, appointments to plan, bills to pay etc. that eat up minutes like kids eat up candy.  And if I am really lucky, I can sneak in a shower (which I swear only takes me 10 minutes from start to finish, including hair drying).  Throw in a little grocery shopping, errand running, a party or two at school, returning calls to the people who are important to me, – and I will be the first to admit that I have become completely overwhelmed with life.   And now that Spring has sprung, grass cutting is becoming a necessity as well.

I have decided that I need a DO NOT DISTURB sign to hang around my neck.  Or, I need to ship the kids off for a week just so I can think and so the voices in my head will stop.

This makes no mention of the fact that I have paying gigs to write for, and that I spend more time in my car every day than in my bed. Sadly, I don’t even have writers block!  Here’s the PROOF, just check out some of the amazing things I have written lately!  And on top of that, Andrea over at AKAY Web Design (she’s amazing) has been helping me get our Softball site up and running.  (You need to check it out)

It’s so funny to me that the world thinks I have ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD.  My husband is always saying, “just write your book already,” and the kids think that between the hours of 8am and 1pm every day, I should be able to get things taken care of at home, phone calls, my work life, the house.  You name it.  What they think I can accomplish in 5 hours, is more than what 5 of me could accomplish in 5 hours.

And that’s the story. (I am sure you know it well, right?)

One of the reasons that I bow out from any of the garden duties around this farm, is because I know how much time and effort a garden takes.  If I take that on, I will spend hours weeding and picking fruits and veggies, and cranking up the tractor. So I let the kids, hubby and father in law deal with all of that.  But having a blog, is very much like having a garden.  It takes time and commitment, and nurturing and love.  You have to be able to nurse social media, and spend quality time writing.  If you don’t put time or effort in – your blog will look like mine – empty for two weeks!

But, I am back!!!!!  Even if it is just for three or five of you who care – mostly my blog is for me.  So I have decided that I will at least set aside 30 minutes a day, with the do not disturb sign around my neck – to baby this dream of mine.  

So hey!  Do me a favor and subscribe the blog, like us on Facebook – and make all this hard work pay off a little.  (I will return the favor)

Filed Under: Wisdom Tagged With: , , ,

Buying Clothes For Girls – (When You Are Broke)

March 27, 2013 By 10 Comments

 

clip-art-sale-096045One of the problems with kids, is that they just keep growing.

That means that with each new season – I have the lovely chore of forcing the kids to try on last years clothes, only to find that their shorts are inches too short – or their shirts barely cover their mid-section, and their heels are hanging off the end of their shoes.

I don’t know about you, but the LAST thing that I strive for when it comes to what my kids wear, is allowing them to roam around scantily dressed like Hoochie-Mama’s wearing clothes that are too tight, or too risqué.  (Which by the way is incredibly difficult these days with the fashions being marketed to young girls.  Do they really need to be wearing lace and see through clothes that could double as lingerie?  To School?)

Once the trash bags of old clothes are filled up and ready for donation – the closets bare, I begin looking for bargains.  Buying for 4 girls is not an easy task on any budget, and the truth is that without coupons or sales, or promotions from stores – I would only be able to buy a few items at a time.  My mother in law firmly believes that children should have around 10-14 outfits per season that they can rotate shirts and pants to make several different outfits.  (And thankfully, she helps buy school clothes for the kids)

Often, with patience and a little research I find deals such as save 15% off everything from my favorite stores.  Since it can be difficult to fit my daughters into new clothes shopping online - but the prices are often cheaper, we often just make a day of going to the store – finding what we like, writing down the item numbers and then bulk ordering online. In the past few years, I have saved quite a bit of money shopping this way, plus many of the online promotions allow you to bundle coupon codes from sites like Retail Me Not

I am also certainly not opposed to second-hand clothing stores.  I am lucky enough that in my area there are quite a few consignment shops that cater to pre-teens and teenagers as well as elementary school kids and I can often find entire name brand wardrobes second-hand for what one single outfit would cost retail price.  Many of these stores also offer coupons or deals, and have frequent shopper cards and/or seasonal sales. Shopping in these stores has also been a great lesson for my children, showing them that you don’t have to pay full price – or necessarily shop at the ‘most popular’ stores in the mall to walk away with decent clothing.   Yard sales, and even E-Bay are also great ways to buy clothes for rock bottom prices,

I know for a lot of parents, the easiest way to save money on buying kids clothes is to buy out of season.  Unfortunately, this has never worked for me.  Every time I have tried to buy winter clothes at the end of the season, I have found that they didn’t fit come the following winter.

Just last week, despite the fact that Mother Nature is insisting that it will be boot and scarf weather for the next month or so, Yellow Box flip-flops (a must have for today’s teens) went on sale at a local store.  With a store coupon and an in store coupon code, I was able to buy 4 pairs for the retail price of 2.

You will find that keeping kids in clothes that fit is not only time-consuming, but expensive. The realization that they will grow out of everything you buy at some point – makes trying to save money on clothes a no-brainer.  After all, if your family is anything like mine – you have plenty of other things to spend your hard-earned money on.

How do you save money on clothing and accessories for your children?

 

 

Filed Under: Wisdom Tagged With: , ,

Special Needs Child Meets “Me” The Asshole

March 14, 2013 By 6 Comments

I hope that most of you will read beyond the title, before berating me for what I realize now was discrimination against a special needs child. 

This is a story about awakening, about being re-acquainted with my value for each and every human – regardless (and sometimes despite) their behavior.  But mostly, this is a tale of understanding.  About never forgetting.

As humans – we tend to find fault or anger or make false judgment against things we don’t understand. That doesn’t make it right, or valuable.  We cannot just go around saying, “Well, I didn’t know all that,” and then find comfort in our belief systems that anyone who is different is not ‘right.’  And we certainly cannot expect to know each and every childs (persons) story – or think we have a right to knowing their story, before we can excuse or accept them for who they are.

I make no excuses for myself, except for sheer ignorance.  I tend to believe that I am an extremely understanding individual, and have tried to teach my kids that there are all sorts of people in this world and that we have to try to accept them all.

When it comes to the human beings that land on this planet, I do not believe there are any mistakes.  They are ALL here, WE are all HERE for a reason.  There is not ONE singular exception to this rule….

I am bit embarrassed to admit however, that I too – have unknowingly discriminated against a special needs child.  Not outwardly of course, but inwardly – within the confines of my mind and in conversations with my young daughter.

There is a particular child in my daughters kindergarten class who seems to be constantly out of sync.  On the multiple times that I have visited the classroom, all I notice is his bizarre and impulsive behavior and his lack of self-control.  My daughter comes home every day and tells me yet another story about this ‘little boy in her class’ who has once again, done ‘such and such.’

I always tell her shaking my head with disgust, “Well just stay away from him,” or “Maybe there is something wrong with him.”

I have told her that there are just some kids in this world that aren’t disciplined, and that have problems and that some kids just act badly at school.  Bad.  Badly.  (Words that I am ashamed to admit I used about a 6-year-old boy).  Rotten bananas are bad, not kids.

And yes, I will shamefully admit that I have felt sorry for his parents, have wondered what was wrong with his mother and father – and been curious about what atrocious things must be going in his home for him to act so strangely at school.  And, YES, I will further admit that I have felt resentment that this one child has taken up so much time in the conventional classroom, time away from the kids who did fit into the perfect mold of kindergarten academia.

Here’s the thing.  I didn’t know one thing about this boy.  Not one.  Just his name.  And yet I saw him as a ‘threat’ a ‘detriment’ and a person that “normal” kids should not have to deal with on a daily basis.  Yes, I did just write that sentence.  And yes, I feel like a complete and total asshole for admitting that here on a public blog. 

One of my all time favorite Facebook Pages/Blog is The Crumb Diaries.  I look forward to her posts everyday about her son Logan, who is a special needs teen.  I know all about indigo children (as I have one of my own), and I have fallen in love with Logan and his mother (they have no idea who I am) by reading her daily posts about life with Logan.  I have grown to see him as not special needs, but simply special. 

When I was young I wanted to be a writer AND a special needs teacher? 

I have always been able to pick out the kids in this world with a broken wing and extend my hand and my heart openly to give them wings.  So what the hell was wrong with me?  When did I become such a bitch? 

In a short conversation with someone who knew this child well and knew HIS story  I was swallowed whole with guilt and remorse for my feelings toward a child.  A child!   A fewllow human being.  I was guilty for words that I used to describe him without knowing HIS story.  Here I am writing a blog segment called Stories of Us on this blog, and yet I was forgetting that even children have stories that don’t necessarily read like an open book.  They are thrown into this world of standards and rules and when they don’t seem to fit into the puzzle – they are discarded or judged.

Had I really stepped so far off my moral and spiritual road to think that my thoughts were EVER okay?  Apparently, I had.  And apparently the Universe was going to remind me that although my kids may ‘look and act perfect’ on the outside – human perfection and love comes in all different wrappers.

Here’s what I didn’t know.  (Not that it should matter)

But, this boy was found in a dog crate at the age of 18 months while living with his drug addicted mothers home.  He had never had anything to eat at that point in his life – except a bottle.  He spoke not a word.  There’s more to the story that I wont share now, but you can rest assured that he is now in a loving and healthy home.

Here he was 4 1/2 years later, a handsome and healthy young boy with some developmental delays and some emotional problems.  I skimmed the playground to find him and saw him hugging a classmate.  When he accidentally got bark in another child’s face, he ran to the teacher to immediately confess and get a hug.  In fact, he hugged his teacher many times during that short 30 minutes.

There wasnt a ‘mean’ or ‘bad’ bone in this childs body and his heart, when I was really looking at HIM, not his differences - was as honest and pure as crystal.  C.R.Y.S.T.A.L!  And perhaps that is exactly what made him different.

As we walked back to class, me still reeling from my own guilt and horror – I stood back to walk with him as he seemed distracted following the line of students headed back to the building.  He accepted me as a friend without apprehension or shyness.  I looked into his eyes and wondered if he was ever held as a baby,  ever rocked to sleep.  There aren’t words to describe the despair I felt for him.  I grabbed his hand, and he told me – a perfect stranger – that he loved me.  And I think that he meant it.

I think that he really meant it, as tingles shuttered through my body as if I had just touched an angel. I knew I didn’t deserve to be loved in that moment, especially by him – a perfectly beautiful child, who I had written off as a ‘bad egg’ so to speak. 

Our teachers come in all shapes and forms.  This day, my teacher, my messenger from the Universe was a small boy with warm hands and a big heart that I may have missed out on seeing due to my own close-mindedness.

I have never once considered myself close minded until this moment in my life.

The truth is, I shouldn’t have had to learn his story to be accepting.  That is our responsibility from the get go, to accept others.

No one has a responsibility to share with us the reasons, or diagnoses, or unexplained history, or medical definitions of why anyone is the way they are.  We (I) cannot walk around this world with a box to compartmentalize people by shape, size, or color as if we are all Legos. 

Sure, we are all one small part of a bigger plan – a larger picture, a massive and tall Lego tower, where each of us has a place to belong – but none of us have any right to make decisions about where that place is.  Not ever.

In the end, it was me with the special need – not this little boy.  And I am grateful, that he was there to teach me, to put me back on the path of real human acceptance and love.

 

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The Art of TOO Much Giving

February 14, 2013 By 4 Comments

Are you familiar with the art of giving too much? I posted a debate on Facebook the other day.  It said,

Debate time-
 Pls. Be honest!

 You gave your 5-year-old child $10 to spend at the book fair.  They shopped and were forced to give their change to charity for kids who didn’t have money to buy books when they were done instead of bringing home change.

Are you annoyed , or fine with that?

And needless to say, it got a lot of responses. 

Many moms (and dads) were fine with it – glad to teach compassion and giving, while others were annoyed.  Probably like me, mostly because the child was 5, and wasnt really being taught to ‘give’ in the charitable sense, but being coerced to do so, well because Why not?  Giving makes you feel good, right.  Giving makes you a good person.  Giving to others, according to karma – adds value to your own life, right? 

Helping others is what we are supposed to do.  Helping others makes the world a better place. 

Okay, you get the point.  There is a lot of glitter and farkle that comes from being charitable.

But let me ask you something?

What happens to a child if you give them everything they ever wanted?  What happens when you over indulge a kid – constantly,  or tie their shoes until they are 13 years old to save them the frustration of doing so themselves?  What result will you get from being a hovering, over-worried, constantly ‘helping out; mother all in the name of ‘being good to your kid’ and ‘giving your best’ to your child and “FIXING every gosh darn thing that goes wrong in their life?”

What happens is this. 

Your child will grow up to be an asshole.

An asshole that can’t take care of him or herself, and that feels entitled to quick fixes, cannot handle frustration (because you never allowed them to do so), and an adult who expects more from life than they are willing to give to life.  (We all know adults like this, right?)

My point is that helping can go too far. 

And the truth is that much of the helping and charity that we give – isn’t really helping people at all and is instead fattening the pockets of very, very, very, very, very rich people.  Honestly, if the Execs of these charities are earning 2.5 MILLION dollars per year – then a large bulk of the money you give, or the time you spend is being taken advantage of and not being used to help the people they ‘claim’ to serve.

Use your heads folks!  And before you donate your time, money or energy – see which charities use their PROFITS (YOUR GIVING) for the real cause and which don’t.  Here’s a link to help you do just that?  Charity watch!

——————————————Now back to our regularly scheduled program—————

Truth be told, whether my daughter was coerced to donate 5 cents or 5 dollars, it pisses me off.  First of all, the school asked for donations the entire week before.  Secondly, it was MY money.  And thirdly, my daughter was only taught the lessons that she should feel bad about having more than someone else – and that her money could be taken away without much of her own choosing. Last but not least, I have grown very tired after 42 years of life-giving too much and helping other people buy things, especially when MANY (notice I did not say all) of those people don’t have the will to do for themselves.    

She is 5.  She naturally has a sweet and giving heart.  We talk about compassion and charity in our home.  And believe me, we DO PLENTY as a family for those that are needy.

But you know what – I am sick and tired of doing more than my share, giving too much, being held to the expectation that we have to BUY CRAP FOR OTHER PEOPLE.  While I feel blessed that my husband has a good job, I will be honest - there are weeks when things get really tight and I have to do a juggling act to pay the bills.  We are a family of 6, which is expensive.  Spending money on a book fair for 4 kids, is expensive.  When I cannot buy groceries for my own household and see people abusing government money to buy groceries, I will be honest at the risk of pissing people off, it pisses me off. When I had to scrounge for book fair cash for my child – I surely don’t want to give my leftovers to someone else.

When I am guilted into donating for the less fortunate, or the needy – I become inflamed.  Not because I am an asshole, but because sometimes, it is difficult just taking care of MY OWN FAMILY.  And there are no assistance programs, or people helping me out.  Seemingly EVER~

AND YES YES YES, I realize that there are people in this world who NEED help.  That there are times each of us NEEDS help.  Blah, blah, blah – I am not a heartless soul who doesn’t ‘get that.’

Perhaps my favorite response on the thread, came from a friend.  She said,

I would be angry. And I would use it as a chance to talk to my child about charity.

It is ALWAYS okay to be selfish. Unless we first look out for ourselves, we are in no position to look out for others.

However, when we are in the position to help others, it is more than just a possibility…it is a duty.

However, charity by force, or coercion is theft. It is wrong. Charity should always be given willingly and with a loving heart.

It should always be voluntary. Always

I agree with her.  Whole heartedly.  We have to take care of ourselves first and foremost.  In society today – there are far too few people who still believe that they HAVE A DUTY TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES first and foremost.

A few weeks back, I was at the grocery store.  An elderly lady in front of me, probably over 80, was trying to purchase exactly three apples.  The total for her 3 apples was a sheer $1.37.  Her card kept getting declined.  I told the cashier that I would buy her those apples.  I found out afterwards that this woman spends her entire life giving everything (LITERALLY) she has to young pregnant mothers and local families without food.  So much so, that she couldn’t buy herself apples. That’s not charity.  That’s ignorance. She too, has a duty to take care of herself first and foremost.

We live in a world, where we as woman, as mothers – as people – we are constantly being coerced into the art of giving too much.  Giving too much to others.  Whether it be our time, our money, our emotions, our resources, our thoughts, our wellbeing, our self worth, our lives – we are giving too much when we are personally virtually empty and exhausted.  Take care of yourself first!  That is something that we should, need MUST teach our children – by being examples of this ourselves. 

At the end of the day, I am not pissed off that change was donated into a box for kids who did not have money for books.  What did piss me off, was more about the message that this sent (and taking advantage of 5 year olds who arent quite ready to make financial decisions)  Given the opportunity, and if I had the money – I would gladly buy every child in my daughters class a book to take home and read.  Still, it is important to realize that giving too much, is not a solution for anything.

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What Does LOL Mean to You

February 7, 2013 By Leave a Comment

Face it, we have entered a new world, where grammar and spelling, punctuation, sentence structure, syntax and fragments don’t mean a thing.  Most teens today cannot even form a complete sentence, and who needs to know how to spell when you have auto correct screwing everything up for you and correcting all your mistakes.  Plus, acronyms are everywhere.  For instant, LOL!  What does LOL mean to you?

Most people would say “Oh that’s easy, it means laugh out loud!”  Right!?

imagesWhen the acronyms first starting showing up, I admit – I’m old school and I had to look them up to see WTH (What the hell) they meant.  While I could write paragraphs using a beeper with just numbers – (WHO REMEMBERS THAT?) I had no idea what all these letters put together meant.

Since then, my urban dictionary has been put aside unless I come across something really unusual.  I have even made up my own acronyms such as BFBIAAH, which for those of us that have Pages, know means (Because Facebook Is An A-Hole).

However apparently, there are still quite a few people in this world who have not become accustomed with the latest and greatest acronyms, that truly make it damn near unnecessary to actually have a real face to face conversation with anything.

With the addition of emoticons and acronyms, we can have an emotion packed, meaningful and fluent form of communication without ever seeing another person.  (this is great news for people afraid of leaving the home)

Since I am old school, I will be the first to admit that when my kids text me from the living room it pisses me off.  Or, when I ask them to CALL their dad – they text him instead I get irritated.  ”What’s the difference,” they ask as if I am from the stone age?

One of the cutest things though that has happened lately concerns the acronym LOL. 

When my teenagers got I-phones this year (an apparent rite of passage into high school), and Verizon (THIS IS NOT AN ENDORSEMENT BECAUSE I AM MAD AT THEM RIGHT NOW BUT AM STUCK IN A CONTRACT) started giving away free I-phones, all the grandparents got on board and upgraded their flip phones for smart phones.  It was funny to see my teens teaching their grandparents how to use the phones, how to text and take pictures.  “Stop mashing the buttons so hard – they aren’t really buttons, they are a TOUCH SCREEN,” they would instruct – shaking their heads.  At first, the grandparents would call the teens every few hours to learn how to download an app, or what to do when a certain screen appeared etc.  And then, the grandparents caught on.

Now, the grandparents and the granddaughters text quite often.  Cute, loving little texts such as I love you, and have a good day, or what are you doing.  It really is a pretty cool thing – and an easy way for my kids to remind the grandparents that they are thinking about them (and vice versa)

However, their Papa, would text my girls and he would always put LOL at the end of the text.

The girls would giggle, and say, “Papa is cra-cra (teen slang for crazy) Mama, he is constantly saying LOL!” 

“Maybe he doesn’t know what it means,” I asked?

A few more days passed and more LOL’s on texts that were not LOL worthy.  Teen one would text  Papa, “I had a bad day,” and he would respond “LOL!”  They would be left SMH (shaking my head) or LMAO (laughing my ass off!)

Finally, one of my daughters asked (via text of course) “Papa, why do you keep typing LOL?” 

His answer sort of summed up the relationship between my daughters and their Papa in three little words when he replied……

LOTS OF LOVE

He thought LOL meant LOTS OF LOVE and he was continuously sending my girls lots of love!

How freaking priceless is that?????

Lots of Love Ya’ll!  Lots of LOVE!

 

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Feng Shui By the Book? Or Just Crazy?

January 31, 2013 By 3 Comments

I have days when all I do is rearrange my house!

At random times, I can be sitting on the couch and suddenly an idea will pop into my overworked brain that the couch, or a picture, or a bed, or the refrigerator – may just look better somewhere else.  And once I ‘get’ one of these ideas, I cannot fight against it, and I have to try it out.  I do this so much, that sometimes my kids will say, “Mom, please don’t rearrange the furniture in my room today!”

(If they only knew – I am not simply idly ‘rearranging’ furniture as a way to release stress, I am improving the spiritual feel and productivity of our home using my feng shui book

untitledOkay, okay – I will admit that I am one of those people who gets bored with the same things in the same places all the time.  When I walk into other people’s homes, I instantly feel either comfortable or uncomfortable, based on the layout of their home.  While I never share my ideas that a couch, or chair, or picture would look better somewhere else – I do think it.  And I honestly believe that there is something inherently real about Feng Shui in general.

In fact, I don’t normally consult any Feng Shui book BEFORE I rearrange the house.  But afterwards, I normally find that the new positions or new arrangements I have created are actually more in line with the rules of Feng Shui.

And, we live in a small house.  So with 6 people, the location of furniture is instrumental in keeping things peaceful, and ensuring that every one has enough room to move around without bumping into one another.

Interestingly, I used the rules of Feng Shui bed placement to help one of my daughters who has trouble sleeping.  And it worked.  It turned out that not only was her bed facing the wrong way, and stuffed with junk underneath (a big NO NO according to Feng Shui), but it was also angled in a corner.  When we rearranged the bed, she started sleeping better.  Coincidence?  Maybe!  But whenever a kid who doesn’t sleep well begins to sleep well – you don’t question it as a parent.

Mostly, my rearranging of the furniture is a way to blow off some steam.  I spend a lot of time in my home and sometimes things just don’t ‘feel right.’  I cant explain it really.  When I notice the things that don’t feel right or aren’t working out in making the most of my space, I feel a strong vibrational pull to change them up.

So call me crazy if you will.  Or, check into Feng Shui and see if you could possibly make your living environment cozier and more inviting by using some of the simple rules associated with Feng Shui.

(This is a sponsored post however, all the points and views are my own)

 

 

 

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Got Guns in Your Home?

January 10, 2013 By 7 Comments

Today, I posed the question to my Facebook page whether or not they had guns in the home. Those that responded, aside from the few smart ass replies I got on Twitter, were mostly yes or no.

Obviously, in light of the world we now live in – and the whole political stance about the 2nd Amendment, the “gun issue,” is one at the forefront of a lot of people’s minds.
I constantly hear people saying, “Guns kill people!’ “Guns promote violence.” “Guns are bad, bad, bad!” “If it weren’t for guns – many lives would be saved.”

Yes, yes. We live in a violent society. I believe, that the ‘gun issue’ is actually not a ‘gun issue,’ at all.

It’s a respect, morality, self-control, empathy, compassion, reality issue.

If you check out this article from the Washington Post – which offers NON-PARTISAN facts about guns and gun violence – you will see that until recently, in the wake of the recent mass shootings – gun violence and ownership has actually been on the decline.

Now, suddenly – guns sales are back up! Woo-Hoo! The difference is that these are HONEST gun sales.

All of this media attention has set the wheels in motion where ‘we the people’ feel threatened and scared. People WANT to own guns. The more the government tries to control our guns and our access to the 2nd Amendment, the more the people want to assert their power.

The more we hear about violence, the more politicized it becomes – the more of an ‘issue’ this whole GUN thing becomes.

So thank you Washington for making guns an issue.

How ironic is it that during Joe Biden’s speech just today about GUN control and keeping our schools safe, the news interrupted with an important broadcast about another school shooting in Los Angeles?

The real issue is not about guns. Yes, guns kill.

But you are more likely to be killed in your mini van than by a gun. It is more likely that you will have a heart attack, or choke on steak, or die of cancer than it is that you will be killed by a gun.

Yet, according to statistics, 87% of the population will at some point be the victim of a possibly violent crime. You see, the bad guys – they have the guns. Just like the rapist, their guns are about power and control.

And, all the people so anti-guns – I wonder how many of them would feel differently if they, or their family, or their children, or someone they loved was left a victim of a gun crime? Would they suddenly wish they had that gun? One person on Twitter today made a smart ass comment after asking me if I had a gun, that if her or any of her followers were in trouble maybe I could come save them with my gun!

Sadly, by the time I got there, it’d be too late – so the jokes on her.

We all love peace. We all strive for a peaceful existence. No one wants to go back to the days of the Wild West (although maybe things were simpler then) where there was a gun on every belt. But at least THOSE guns were honest.

Consider (and I mean REALLY CONSIDER) the lyrics from Merle Haggard song about the legendary Pancho and Lefty; “He wore his gun outside his pants – for all the honest world to feel!”

Today, the bad guys hide their guns, which is what makes them so dangerous.

This is NOT a political soap box. I am neither FOR or AGAINST guns. I have an opinion, I believe in the 2nd Amendment. But I don’t think those who don’t are ignorant or naïve. Bottom line. I do have a gun in my home. Actually, several guns.

Sometimes we have to use the rifles to kill copperheads that get too close to the house. Once, we had to put down a farm animal with a gun to save it from horrendous suffering. And, just in case the meth head that ran into my driveway one sunny afternoon as he was trying to elude the police, and acting like an insane freak ever comes back to my house, I have a gun that I can use to protect my family from his brand of craziness.

Where I live, it would take 20 minutes for a cop to get to my house.

I grew up with guns. My dad was a cop. Perhaps I am desensitized. My dad would come home while he was working, to have dinner with the family, and he had a revolver hitched on his belt. It never affected me one way or the other.

Most importantly, my dads gun didn’t make me feel less or more secure. It was the world we lived in back then that made me feel more secure than I do now.

The guns in my home – they are there should I need them. But unfortunately, they STILL don’t make me feel more or less safe. They just make me feel prepared.

Like I said earlier, Yes, yes. We live in a violent society. I believe, that the ‘gun issue’ is actually not a ‘gun issue,’ at all.

It’s a respect, morality, self-control, empathy, compassion, reality issue.

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