I will admit, there is nothing Mom-Spirational about this post. In fact, its embarrassing – and is likely one of those events in my children’s lives that will forever screw them up in the heads. I just hope they don’t talk about it at my funeral, because it would NOT make a good eulogy.
First a little prologue. I live in a place without school buses. Like, seriously 20 people (And I am related to some of them) live on my street and its several miles long. We don’t even have cable. Or internet. The closest Wal-Mart is in a shitty little town that smells like mold 17 miles away. And this same ‘town’ is where my children go to school. So, I have to drive my kids to school every day, and then go back and pick them up in the afternoons. Every morning, we leave the house at 7am, which means in order to get coffee in, make 4 school lunches, help with hair and breakfast and remember to put on a bra (Which BTW is apparently optional in the shitty little town) - I have to get up pretty early. But listen, coffee is important to me and definitely worth getting up for.
Unfortunately (or fortunately depending how you look at it), coffee is also a bit of a laxative, which is another reason that I get up early. This way, when the coffee craps hit me, I am still at home. Normally, I go running into our ONE and only, bathroom with my pants half way down, while one of my kids is straightening her hair or brushing her teeth and just let it loose. (This annoys the kids, but I think its funny as hell – payback for all those diapers of theirs that I have changed)
One morning, we were running late. My morning coffee had percolated just in time for me to grab it and fly out the door. No biggie, I thought – I would drink it on the way. B.I.G. M.I.S.T.A.K.E. (Can you see where this is going?)
The coffee craps hit me halfway through our ride to shit town. And let me tell you, there is absolutely NOWHERE TO STOP and use the bathroom on the way to shit town. I started sweating. Profusely. I thought I might throw up. Maybe, I could hold it until I got to Piggly Wiggly which was pretty close to their school I thought for a moment. But the Piggly Wiggly bathroom is all the way in the back of the store, behind the butcher shop, and I knew by the sweaty palms and stomach cramps that there was no way I would make it all the way through the store to the bathroom. Plus, I didn’t have shoes on. I wasn’t using a public restroom barefoot. It was one of those moments, where if I farted to let some of the pressure off, I just knew I was going to shart in my pants.
So I pulled over. On the side of the road. (Actually I skidded over as if I was avoiding a squirrel). The kids were screaming. One was crying. “Mama, what are you doing - we are going to be late?” Another had her hands over her eyes and ears like she had just seen Freddy Kreuger pop out from the drivers seat. There were woods all around me and I imagined coyotes or bobcats or bears lurking in the woods. And how pray tell would I hide my ass from passing traffic? No way I was shitting in the woods. No flipping way.
“Quick Gracie, give me that trashcan,” I hollered with tears in my eyes and sweat my brow, pants already half way down. I had just bought a trash can for the bathroom the day before and it was still in the car. (Thank GOD!)
“Mama!!! NO!” The girls were disgusted as I climbed in the back seat (tinted windows back there) and quickly crapped in a can. (Believe me, by this point it DID NOT take long at all!)
I can still to this day, see their faces. They were mortified. As they were looking at me and holding their noses while I was seated over a small circular white bathroom trash can crapping my brains out, it struck me. What in the hell am I going to wipe with?
“Gracie” (she was the only one laughing at this point and not completely hating me – “Hand me that sock!” She looked behind her and handed me the bright yellow softball sock that my daughter had worn to practice the day before. “MAMA NO WAY, THAT’S MY SOCK” my oldest daughter protested. I told her not to worry that I would buy her another one. One of my other kids, (who will apparently be a truancy officer when she grows up) was still worried about being late. (We werent by the way!)
Then, in what could be the only solution at a time like this, I slid open the van door and gently set out the brand new white trash can filled with crap and the sock I used to wipe with on the side of the road. I sure as hell was not riding around with it for the rest of the morning. And we were BACK on our way to school. The kids didnt even talk to me the rest of the ride. Except for Gracie, she was 4 and thought this was the funniest thing ever. “Mama crapped in a can, Mama crapped in a can, Mamaaaa Crapppped in a can” she sang.
For days – every time we passed that spot, the white trashcan was still there. One morning, we saw a dog sniffing around it. And about a week later, the inmates were picking up trash on the side of the road in the exact vicinity By the time I came back by, the can was gone.
But my kids, have NEVER forgotten this moment. Every time we pass that spot (which is daily) they say, “This is where Mama crapped in a can!” And their faces fill with the same disgust that I remember from that day.
Lesson here. If you must drink coffee in the morning, make sure you have time to use the bathroom before leaving the house. And definitely avoid the coffee altogether on the first day of your periods.
AND, most importantly…..when you are in the middle of nowhere on your way to shit town, have a plan in place (or a can) in case the coffee craps hit you. (And PLEASE carry toilet paper around in your glove box)
Of all this shits I have taken in my life – I have to say that this was the most epic.