Crap in a Can

I will admit, there is nothing Mom-Spirational about this post.  In fact, its embarrassing – and is likely one of those events in my children’s lives that will forever screw them up in the heads.  I just hope they don’t talk about it at my funeral, because it would NOT make a good eulogy.

First a little prologue.  I live in a place without school buses.  Like, seriously 20 people (And I am related to some of them) live on my street and its several miles long.  We don’t even have cable.  Or internet.  The closest Wal-Mart is in a shitty little town that smells like mold 17 miles away.  And this same ‘town’ is where my children go to school.  So, I have to drive my kids to school every day, and then go back and pick them up in the afternoons. Every morning, we leave the house at 7am, which  means in order to get coffee in, make 4 school lunches, help with hair and breakfast and remember to put on a bra (Which BTW is apparently optional in the shitty little town) - I have to get up pretty early.  But listen, coffee is important to me  and definitely worth getting up for.

Unfortunately (or fortunately depending how you look at it), coffee is also a bit of a laxative, which is another reason that I get up early.  This way, when the coffee craps hit me, I am still at home.  Normally, I go running into our ONE and only,  bathroom with my pants half way down, while one of my kids is straightening her hair or brushing her teeth and just let it loose.  (This annoys the kids, but I think its funny as hell – payback for all those diapers of theirs that I have changed)

One morning, we were running late.  My morning coffee had percolated just in time for me to grab it and fly out the door. No biggie, I thought – I would drink it on the way.  B.I.G.  M.I.S.T.A.K.E. (Can you see where this is going?)

The coffee craps hit me halfway through our ride to shit town.  And let me tell you, there is absolutely NOWHERE TO STOP and use the bathroom on the way to shit town.  I started sweating. Profusely.  I thought I might throw up. Maybe, I could hold it until I got to Piggly Wiggly which was pretty close to their school I thought for a moment.  But the Piggly Wiggly bathroom is all the way in the back of the store, behind the butcher shop, and I knew by the sweaty palms and stomach cramps that there was no way I would make it  all the way through the store to the bathroom.  Plus, I didn’t have shoes on.  I wasn’t using a public restroom barefoot.  It was one of those moments, where if I farted to let some of the pressure off, I just knew I was going to shart in my pants.

So I pulled over. On the side of the road. (Actually I skidded over as if I was avoiding a squirrel).   The kids were screaming.  One was crying.  “Mama, what are you doing - we are going to be late?”  Another had her hands over her eyes and ears like she had just seen Freddy Kreuger pop out from the drivers seat.  There were woods all around me and I imagined coyotes or bobcats or bears lurking in the woods.  And how pray tell would I hide my ass from passing traffic?  No way I was shitting in the woods.  No flipping way.

Quick Gracie, give me that trashcan,” I hollered with tears in my eyes and sweat my brow, pants already half way down.  I had just bought a trash can for the bathroom the day before and it was still in the car.  (Thank GOD!)

“Mama!!!  NO!”  The girls were disgusted as I climbed in the back seat (tinted windows back there) and quickly crapped in a can.  (Believe me, by this point it DID NOT take long at all!)

I can still to this day, see their faces.  They were mortified.  As they were looking at me and holding their noses while I was seated over a small circular white bathroom trash can crapping my brains out, it struck me.  What in the hell am I going to wipe with?

“Gracie” (she was the only one laughing at this point and not completely hating me – “Hand me that sock!” She looked behind her and handed me the bright yellow softball sock that my daughter had worn to practice the day before.  “MAMA NO WAY, THAT’S MY SOCK” my oldest daughter protested.  I told her not to worry that I would buy her another one.  One of my other kids, (who will apparently be a truancy officer when she grows up) was still worried about being late.  (We werent by the way!)

Then, in what could be the only solution at a time like this, I slid open the van door and gently set out the brand new white trash can filled with crap and the sock I used to wipe with on the side of the road.  I sure as hell was not riding around with it for the rest of the morning.  And we were BACK on our way to school.    The kids didnt even talk to me the rest of the ride.  Except for Gracie, she was 4 and thought this was the funniest thing ever.  “Mama crapped in a can, Mama crapped in a can, Mamaaaa Crapppped in a can” she sang.

For days – every time we passed that spot, the white trashcan was still there.  One morning, we saw a dog sniffing around it.  And about a week later, the inmates were picking up trash on the side of the road in the exact vicinity  By the time I came back by, the can was gone.

But my kids, have NEVER forgotten this moment.  Every time we pass that spot (which is daily) they say, “This is where Mama crapped in a can!”  And their faces fill with the same disgust that I remember from that day. 

Lesson here.  If you must drink coffee in the morning, make sure you have time to use the bathroom before leaving the house.  And definitely avoid the coffee altogether on the first day of your periods.

AND, most importantly…..when you are in the middle of  nowhere on your way to shit town, have a plan in place (or a can) in case the coffee craps hit you.  (And PLEASE carry toilet paper around in your glove box)

Of all this shits I have taken in my life – I have to say that this was the most epic. 

 

Like it? Share it!

Comments

  1. Cierra says:

    Hahahaha That’s Great and Epic…….

  2. Sandy Boyer says:

    OMG!!! Hysterical! That is a good one and sounmds like something that would happen to me! Coffee does the exact same thing to me to. I never have more than 2 cups. I had a smilar experience except it was pee in a McDonalds cup. My husband used to travel to Costa Rica every week for work. He flew home Friday nights. I would pick him at Orlando International Airport after calling the airlines and making sure it was on time. Our routine was for me to pick him up a half an hour after his flight landed. I always called the airlines to make sure the flight was on time. You aren’t allowed to park and wait by the arrival gates. That means youi drive in circles until you see them. It was raining and lightening and his flight ended up being forty-five minutes late. I drove around and suddenly I had to pee like nobodys business. I am a water drinker. I drink about a gallon a day. I drove another ten minutes or so and knew I was going to wet my pants. I was so desperate that I drove to the airport parking which was eight bucks to park a day or just fifteen minutes. I drove around looking for a parking spot for twenty minutes up every single floor. All eight of them. There was no one leaving as it was pouring down rain and if you have ever been in a Florida rain storm you know they are almost monsoon like in intensity. Not one single spot. By now I am crying I have to go so bad. My eight year old daughter says mom why don’t you use this? *She had seen me have my son pee in an empty coke bottle one time.* I was so desperate I peed in the small empty Mcey D’a cup. I had three straw wrapper to pat dry my business. I couldnt drive around with it so I looked around and qquickly opened my door and placed it outside and drove away. The attendant tried to charge me the eight bucks even tho I never even found a spt. I refused and was properly indignant but polite. My daughter is now thirty-five years old and has never let me live that down. You know after three kids and tons of kegals, I pee if I even sneeze or laugh hard. There is no way I could’ve held that pee. I filled up that cup to the rim! So I feel yoiur pain sister!! p.s. I am exactly like you in the mornig. Drink Coffe within moments one small cramp and run to the bathroom. Yoiur situation was much worse than mine but believe me, you are not alone! I am so relieved yoiu had that garbage can and sock in your van!!

  3. Teri says:

    By the time I got to “GRACIE! HAND ME THAT SOCK!!!” I was cracking up!!! Great blog. Following you now. You make me smile!

    Teri
    Snarkfest

    • admin says:

      Thank you so much! It means alot to me. There are so many wonderful writers and bloggers out here and I am grateful for anyone who takes the time to give me a read! I will follow back of course!

  4. Hilarious! I needed that laugh.

  5. Oh boy…I’m lucky I didn’t just shart myself while reading this. This is hilarious and I feel you r pain. I live miles from civilization as well, and have been in this situation myself. I just had to rely on prayers and strong sphincter muscles. I will be laughing about this one for quite some time.

    thanks for linking up this week!!

  6. Megan says:

    Greatest fear ever. I have major shit issues and you have just given me even more of a complex! So glad I found you on the bloghop!

Speak Your Mind

*