Dear Life #10 – Christmas Cards

Dear Everyone I Have every known, loved, talked to, socialized with, worked with and for, met on the internet, or passed in any of the various ‘hallways’ of life:

I am so sorry that you have not received my Christmas cards.

I am enjoying yours very much, even though I will be likely throwing them away, eh…I mean recycling them to save the Earth,  as soon as the holidays are over.  Your kids are beautiful and it is great to know that you are thinking of me.  Really, it is.

I am thinking of you too.  Seriously I am.  And I am trying hard not to make eye contact so I don’t feel compelled to buy you a present.

Unfortunately, a sad thing happened.

After spending enormous time and effort hand painting, signing and addressing Christmas cards to each and every one of you, then licking stamps for hours and hours at a time, then loading the massive basket of holiday greetings and well wishes complete with a picture of my beautiful family inside – the DAMN POST OFFICE caught on fire.  Or had an explosion.  Or a chemical leak. (Which explains the persistent strange glue smell that permeates my sinuses every time I walk in there.)

Truth is, I am not sure what has happened, I don’t think that the postal workers are telling the truth.  Maybe all the postal workers quit, or maybe my immense amount of holiday cheer was just too much for my tiny zip code to handle.

The point is, they have lost EACH and EVERY one of my completely personalized cards.  Not one survived.  And I couldn’t even get a refund on my postage.

I know, this is horrible.  You must feel terrible for me, but please…..I am a trooper and I can handle disappointments such as this.

I did have to drink an entire bottle of wine in order to numb myself long enough to fall asleep.  The whole thing has made me sick, just sick……

So, please accept my apologies, and be kind enough to consider THIS your Christmas card.  I love you.  Each and every one of you.

Me and the hubs are great.  (Notice the heart!) Except for the little mishap at the post office, life has been good. (Like I would tell you otherwise, right!?)

 

 

 

 

 

As for the picture of the kids.  Here are the girls.  Arent they lovely? They have gotten big havent they?  (The one on the left had just farted and of course, the other three, of course, had to laugh and tease!)

 

So, without further adieu!  HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM STEF & Company!

 

 

Dear Life #9

Dear Face,

I am not 16.  (Obvious from my wrinkles).  I am not pregnant. (Thank GOD!)  I am not pre-menstrual (Hallelujah shouts the family) I am not under a great deal of stress, at least nothing beyond the normal stress of life. I havent even been sweating profusely as of late.

And NO, I have not been eating chocolate lately as if it is the last food on earth and I have  avoided oranges and orange juice as of late because they both give me heartburn.

So tell me, WHAT. THE. HELL. IS. UP. WITH. THE. FRIGGIN. ZITS?

I am too old for acne.

I havent had four zits on my face at one time since I was like, 15.

Are you playing some cruel joke on me?  If so, its sooooooo not funny!

Dear Life #2

Dear Kids,

Next time I take you to the doctor, please refrain from farting in the doctor’s office the minute the nurse closes the door.  This is what bathrooms are for.  And, while funny to see the doctor come in and try to ignore the stench emulating from the room, its embarrassing.  Next TIME….you pay the co-pay with the your allowance money.

Thanks – Love MOM

Dear Life #1

Dear People Who Make MiniVans,

Seriously!? Upholestery AND carpet?  Have you people lost your minds?  Minvans should have a completely washable interior that includes a drain hole in the middle so that all the crud children spill and spit all over the car can conveniently be washed away.  Idiots!  All of you!

xoxo,

Stef