The day before Thanksgiving, I checked my teens Facebook pages, feeds and phones to see what the teen culture was up to. I do this often, and take it upon myself to delete friends and pages that I find to be inconsistent with the values I am trying to raise my children with.
And to be honest, I don’t care if you think that it is controlling to go through their phones, or that it crosses a boundary of privacy, or is wrong in any way - because I STRONGLY feel it is a parental right and RESPONSIBILITY to do so. I do not want to be one of those parents caught with my pants down because I wasnt paying attention.
The truth is that today, the teenage diary has been replaced with text messages, Facebook, instagram and twitter.
The only difference (and its a big ONE) is that while a diary was private, and kept under the mattress – these online diaries are a part of SOCIAL MEDIA. Social, being the keyword.
And while I would never discount the intelligence of todays teens – the truth is from what I see on social media – they are pretty damn naive when it comes to ‘airing dirty laundry’ and completely ignorant when it comes to posting inappropriate things online.
On this particular routine check of Facebook there was post after post after post about ‘the list.’
“This list” the kids, ranging in age from 4th graders to seniors in high school, were talking about was a “WHORE LIST’ where some kid with too much time on their hands and not enough supervision, decided they would name the top 30 male and female whores from all of the area high schools. WTF?
I saw the list. Right there for the world to see on some teenage boys Facebook page, with a bunch of girls tagged and labeled like cattle for all the world to see. WHORES.
It had been shared numerous times and was spreading like wildfire on twitter and Facebook.
The thought of this list, made me weak in the knees and sick to my stomach. I wanted to vomit and wished in that moment that I had the power to completely shut down Facebook.
I imagined the girls who woke up that day, checked Facebook – only to find themselves shamed in such a huge way. I imagined the parents – some who will never know what was going on, having to deal with this situation and console their daughters in the meantime.
I imagined how so many lives were likely changed in an extremely profound way - within seconds – because someone chose to spread their ugliness within the buzzing world of teen social media. I imagined the kids making the list in the wee hours of the night, not just unaware that their actions were going to emotionally scar so many people – but also uncaring of the repercussions their words, ONLINE, would have to others. (Probably even people they didn’t even know)
Sadly, the whore list has escalated and hurt even more people since Thanksgiving. While the kids have wised up a little and are now mass creating and sharing the lists over text messages, there are still a bunch of parents asleep at the wheel. And now, instead of whore lists for high schools, there are whore lists for each individual grade in the high schools.
The principals and school administration is now involved.
And yet REALIZE THIS no adult, even in authority, can keep up with the quick pace of social media when teens are using smartphones and tablets, computers and passwords to perpetuate the meanness.
It is the snowball effect and the only way to stop it is to PREVENT IT!
My girls were not involved in any way, and I told them that they were not to comment, like, share or participate, and I made them delete the people who were involved.
I tried to explain how awful this whore list was, and tried to describe how those girls must be feeling. Even if they pretend they don’t care, they do. Even if they dress provocatively, they didn’t deserve this. Even if they are laughing about it on the outside, there is a piece of them – a piece of their innocence, that is forever gone. That has been forever taken away by mean and heartless bullies hiding behind a computer screen.
I know this. I know this firsthand, because I was called a whore and a slut once in high school, and I know how badly it hurts, especially when you did nothing to deserve the label. I know how it bites and eats away at self esteem and self worth when you are just trying to fit in, and be liked.
But thank God in my day, there wasn’t the fertile soil of social media to help produce massive trees of emotional pain.
I’m sorry for this generation of teens growing up with social media. I am deeply sorry for any of the girls that ended up on the whore list. And I am really sorry for the kids who created it in the first place, who have somehow also set the wheels of karma in motion for themselves.
Imagine if your daughter was on the list…..
All I got to say is this….Check your kids goddamn online accounts!
I’m with you Stef, I’m to the point where I am beginning to loathe the day I allowed my girls to have FB, Twitter and cell phones. I went through 15′s texts the other day and what to my wondering eyes should appear but the mouth of a trucker. While the words weren’t bad enough to make me blush, they were bad. I was with my best friend and she said that it could be a LOT worse. She could be talking about having sex, drinking or doing drugs. Yes, that’s very true. I thank God she’s not into that and I continue to monitor what she does on FB and Twitter but I was quite surprised to see that she indeed uses language like that.
The more I read the blogs of mom’s with teens, the more I really considering locking my kids up and homeschooling them.
I FULLY agree with you and have told my kids that, until they are 18, their online usage, texts, etc WOULD be monitored, both with their knowledge and randomly. It sickens and saddens me how cruel kids are becoming these days and how inactive parents are in their children’s lives. BE nosy, GET involved. Be a damn parent!
Totally agree! The main reason that I HAVE a Facebook page to begin with is because of my son (now grown) I also have a MySpace page (though I haven’t been there in years) because that’s where he started. I monitored him from both ends & totally plan on doing that with my girls. We NEED to stay 3 steps ahead to keep them safe
Great post
Amen. That is why I have one too… Sad part is I monitored his so closely that he learned how to do ALOT of things with computers and that is the field he is getting his degree in. But the good part is when his little brother thought he would be smart and change his PW his brother was able to hack him and lock his acct until I decided it was the right time to let him have it back
Saw this shared on my friend Sue from Diapers or Wine’s facebook page and I just HAD to stop by and tell you that I think you are a GREAT mom! My son is still quite little, but I fully intend to monitor his online habits when he gets old enough to have them. I also joined Myspace and Facebook initially to keep an eye on my much younger siblings and luckily have only had to tell them a couple times that something was inappropriate. THANK YOU for paying attention to your kids and my heart totally goes out to those poor little girls on “the list”.
It is a parents responsibility to check in with their child’s whereabouts and it is in their best interest to keep checking in on them. You did the right thing in explaining to your kids that this was unacceptable, and in following up on the actions that needed to be taken. I imagine being a teen these days is a lot like how being a teen is in any generation, but on hyper drive. Relationships are escalated quickly via text message, and even younger kids are sexting, for example. It disheartens me to see this “whore list” as I feel slut shaming is always a bad thing no matter how it’s presented, but in a public forum it is a whole other ball game. Parents really need to keep the lines of communication open and remind their kids that although social media’s can be used in great ways (sharing ideas, expressing yourself, etc) it can be a very ugly place. People say things they don’t mean when they are behind a screen. Exposing yourself can lead to overexposure and you can become a target to bullying, predators, and saying things that you don’t mean, escalating a relationship before you are ready etc. Great post, and great job with your kids. Definitely one of those parenting moments that hurt to go through, but leads to growth.
Thanks for sharing, Humble. I was also called a whore and a slut. VERY hurtful. This post needs to be shared far and wide.
I am with you. It is negligent to not monitor our children’s use of social media. Bullying is wrong, whether it is online or in a hallway. So is name-calling and rumor-mongering. Reputations are destroyed, and lives are lost from it. Children don’t need more privacy; they need more parenting.
I totally agree with you!
My daughter isn’t old enough to use social media yet, but I already see the stuff going on in elementary school. I had a conference with her teacher last month because a boy called her “sexy,” and I have another conference Friday because of a girl bullying my daughter….in FIRST GRADE.
And the teachers have rolled their eyes at me and I’m sure they’re sick of hearing from me but I could give two poops. I’m fighting for the innocence of my daughter. She shouldn’t have to be exposed to the meanness and nastiness and oversexualized culture that the world will eventually give her anyway. She’s six years old and should be able to go to school without fear.
I was the girl who was made fun of in middle and high school. We moved around a lot and I went from really popular, to bottom of the totem pole, to middle ground, to punching bag, oh so many times. Being a girl in today’s society is hard enough as it is to not have a safe haven in school. And even worse to have that nastiness permeate into the home via social media.
I plan on checking absolutely every single thing that my daughter has, iPhone, FB, whatever. You can’t be too careful and protecting our children is a FULL time job. Kudos to you for doing the same.
Something like this happened in my daughter’s school last year, and all of the kids who participated in the FB group were suspended and bullying was put on their permanent record. Kids disgust me!
I would not only monitor my kids’ facebook/social media, I would also take a screen shot of anything truly objectionable (Whore Lists, etc.) and report them to their school and parents.
Wow! I really wish parents would wake the eff up and start paying attention. Both of my older children, age 12 & 13, are on Facebook with my permission but I check everything they do on Facebook and the Internet daily. I go through emails, computer history, FB messages,you name it. I am also a mom who checks text messages and well.
I am glad that neither of your daughters were involved and I hope they find out who did it and they are reprimanded.
Oh my… wow… my kids are still toddlers, but I am sure I will be one of those parents who WILL check all of their accounts. How sad!
I don’t know how many times I’ve thanked the stars that there was no social media, texts, camera phones, etc while I was in school. {Does that show how old I am? Yikes….} I was bullied a lot. A LOT. And I can’t imagine how much worse it must be for kids now, with the easy spread of gossip and hurtful garbage online…
I totally agree! While my daughter is just 2yo, I have taken care of my 2 nephews and a niece for six years and it wasn’t easy raising teens! It’s a good thing that nowadays we can monitor them using these social media networks, I remember always looking for their Facebook status to know where they are…I believe that parents should still have a control over the social media networks their children are using!
Thanks for sharing!
Oh wow. My son is 4 years old and I can’t image what I am going to have to do to keep in the loop. Better start thinking!
I will be checking my daughters use of social media when the time comes. It’s too scary not to and too important.
This whore thing just makes me want to set things on fire. I’m so glad your girls weren’t involved or on any of the lists. That would be really hard to get through. Thanks for bringing this topis up! It’s a good reminder for all of us.
OMG! My teen boys (both 13) keep asking if they can have a Facebook account. My answer keeps being NO. Kids don’t realize that what is put out there in Internet land, stays in Internet land. Forever. Good for you for keeping up on the kids social media usage and I applaud you for deleting pages/people who go against your beliefs.
@sunshinemommy
You make a great point…..great post. But, normally when someone is preaching about “values” they are trying to teach their kids(your words)…and ranting about social media, one does not use “social media” abbreviations such a “WTF”…or take the lords name in vain by using the word “goddamn” on “social media” for public to see. It’s sort of hypocritical & contradicting yourself. Just my honest opinion here……
I must admit, at the start of your post I thought actually deleting friends from your childrens’ facebook was a bit extreme — but by the end, I totally agree.
Our communities [Victoria & Vancouver], our province [B.C.], & our entire country [Canada] is still reeling from the suicide of a young 15-yr-old girl who suffered from being unjustly labeled & cyber-bullied. Her facebook video of her emotional torture is heartbreaking.
This IS the reality of our children’s & grandchildren’s lives — it is a parental responsibility to be aware, openly discuss, & protect. Thanks for a wonderful post.
Wow, this made me feel sick just reading about this whore list. I think you are right to check their phone, face book etc. I will to once mine are old enough!
It’s a sad state of affairs when people think it’s ok to ruin someone’s life by posting lies on facebook. Kids suicide over this shit. Not only do I monitor it but I actively speak about values and how to behave like a caring person in the world, social media and in person. For all the good the internet does, it does so much harm as well.
Keep a finger on the pulse of your kids lives, know what they’re doing online and talk to them about it. At that age they know not what they do!